by Sheila and Alex Perry
Part One - Magic
| In the classroom before the teacher comes in. It's dark, then someone dressed as a wizard walks across the stage with a 'Magic' sign, showing it to the audience. Just before he exits he waves his hand and lights come up OR curtain opens. | Lights go up? | |
| Enter the schoolchildren noisily - they go to their desks but don't sit there quietly - loll about and talk (quietly). Jane, Susan, Steven and Kevin at desk at front (nearest audience). Kevin and Steven at same table. Kevin starts banging Steven's head on the desk casually. | Recording of 2+2 are four etc | |
| STEVEN: | Ow!... Ow!... Ow!... | |
| Susan jumps up. | ||
| SUSAN (shouts): | Stop that, Kevin McConnell, you big bully! | |
| KEVIN (still banging Steven's head, looks round slightly irritated): | Stop what? |
|
| SUSAN: | Stop banging Steven's head on the desk! | |
| KEVIN (indignantly): | I'm not! | |
| STEVEN: | Yes... ow! - you... ow! - are!... ow! | |
| Kevin suddenly 'realises' what he's doing. | ||
| KEVIN (letting go): | Oh - sorry mate! I didn't realise it was you! | |
| SUSAN: | Well, wait just a minute -! | |
| Enter teacher, but they don't see her at first. Steven takes his schoolbag and drops it on Kevin's foot. | ||
| STEVEN: | Sorry, mate! I didn't realise your foot was there! | |
| Susan laughs. Kevin sees the teacher who is standing horrified in the doorway, and starts hopping around in 'agony'. | ||
| MRS MARKER-PENNE: | Steven Socksworth! What do you think you're doing? | |
| KEVIN (in pained voice): | He dropped his schoolbag on my foot - ON PURPOSE! | |
| MRS MARKER-PENNE: | Well, I hope there's a good explanation for this! | |
| SUSAN (loudly): | Kevin started it, Mrs Marker-Penne. He was banging Steven's head on the desk. | |
| MRS MARKER-PENNE: | Quiet, Susan! I'm not interested in explanations. Detention for both of you! | |
| SUSAN and STEVEN (groan): | Ohhh! | |
| Kevin mocks them silently and laughs to himself. | ||
| MRS MARKER-PENNE: | Now settle down, all of you. Once you've all grown up a bit, I'll just run through what we learned in trigonometry yesterday, and I want to see you all taking it in this time. | |
| She starts talking quietly to the class and writing on the blackboard but Susan, Jane, Kevin and Steven aren't listening. Jane is looking for something in her bag. She can't find it. | ||
| JANE: | Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no, oh no, oh no! | |
| SUSAN: | What's the matter with you? You're not the one who's got detention. | |
| JANE: | Well, I will have! | |
| SUSAN: | No you won't, you never get detention. You're top of the class. The cleverest person since Albert Einstein. You have an IQ in three figures... | |
| JANE (nearly in tears): | I bet Albert Einstein never left his homework on the bus! | |
| SUSAN: | On the bus? | |
| JANE: (sniffs) |
Yes, I was just doing my final check of the answers... I got them all right, you know. It's not fair! It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair! |
|
| STEVEN: (takes out jotter) |
I could give you my homework if you like. You could say you did it. | |
| JANE (snatches his homework and opens the jotter): | Aaargh! I can't hand this in, it looks like hieroglyphics! How can four times four equal twelve? Point oh four five six seven? It's supposed to be point oh four five six eight! |
|
| STEVEN (snatches it back): | Well, I was only trying to be helpful. | |
| Kevin puts up his hand. | ||
| KEVIN: | Mrs Marker-Penne! Jane hasn't done her homework! | |
| MRS MARKER-PENNE (looks at Jane): | Is this true? I find it very hard to believe. | |
| JANE: | Well, I did it, Mrs Marker-Penne, but I was checking the answers on the bus and I must have left it on there! | |
| MRS MARKER-PENNE (briskly): | Detention! And Attention, please. I don't recall any of you three being the stars of the show when it came to trigonometry. | |
| SUSAN (in stage whisper): | Oh, be quiet, you old witch! | |
| STEVEN (laughs): | Just watch she doesn't put a spell on you! | |
| JANE: | Well, she's only concerned about our education. | |
| SUSAN and STEVEN: | Yeah, right. | |
| SUSAN: | She's evil. If she could turn us all into toads I bet she would. | |
| KEVIN (looks round in surprise): | What? Hasn't she done that already? | |
| JANE (quietly): | Eye of newt and toe of frog... | |
| SUSAN: | What? | |
| JANE: | Just imagine if this school was really a wizards' school. | |
| STEVEN: | Well, there's an original idea... | |
| SUSAN: | I'd rather be turned into a toad than get detention. | |
| Pause. | ||
| STEVEN (yawning): | This trigonometry's making me sleepy. | |
| Everyone in the classroom including Mrs Marker-Penne, goes into slow motion. | ||
| JANE (slowly): | Yeah... a wizards' school... | |
| They slump on desk and go to sleep. | Lights go out? or curtain closes and opens | |
| (Everyone now wearing witches' hats including the teacher) | ||
| MRS MARKER PENNE (NOW KNOWN AS MRS FEATHER QUILL) | Good morning, class! | |
| ALL (slowly) | Good morning, Mrs Feather Quill! | |
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | Today we're going to carry on working on our bat-charming potion. Let's run through it again... | |
| SONG | Eye of newt, toe of frog Ear of cat, and nose of dog Mix it up and watch it brew Some for me and lots for you. Hamster's hair, hedgehog's spine Hemlock root and cone of pine Mix it up and watch it simmer Just the thing for our school dinner - Yeah! |
|
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | Now, what did I tell you about the newt? | |
| (Silence. Some of class put up their hands and then put them down again) | ||
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | Oh, come on. I thought this was meant to be the credit potion class. | |
| (Silence. Mrs F Q sighs) | Remember, the newt has to be FRESHLY SQUEEZED. | |
| (Susan and Jane look at each other and go 'Yuk') | ||
| STEVEN | What's going on here? This is a funny kind of trigonometry. | |
| JANE (puzzled) | Maybe we have to measure the angle between the cat's ear and the dog's nose? | |
| (Susan and Steven stare at her) | ||
| JANE | Well, maybe we do! | |
| (Mrs F Q notices them suddenly and peers at them) | ||
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | Less noise at the back there! | |
| KEVIN (turns to Susan, Jane and Steven) (whispers) | You're going to get.... DETENTION! | Spooky music |
| SUSAN | So what? We've had detention HUNDREDS of times before. | |
| WILLIAM (whispers) | You don't understand. It's no ordinary detention in this class. | |
| STEVEN | Don't tell me they make you do geometry? | |
| JANE | Sssh!... What's not ordinary about it exactly? | |
| GRAHAM | Nobody ever comes back from detention | |
| SUSAN | What happens to them? | |
| WILLIAM | Let's just say that there are a lot more frogs in the school lake than there used to be. | |
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | I will not tolerate all this noise! William! Detention for you! And don't ever speak in my class again! | |
| (Mrs F Q cackles unnervingly) | ||
| KEVIN | Except perhaps to say 'ribbit' | |
| (Kevin laughs) | ||
| WILLIAM (to Jane, Susan and Steven) | This is all your fault! When I'm a frog I'm going to -er - jump into your porridge just as you're about to eat it! | |
| STEVEN | Yuk! Porridge! I don't eat porridge! | |
| WILLIAM | Yes, you do, everyone here at Warthog's Wizard School eats porridge. | |
| SUSAN | Warthog's Wizard School? The last time I looked it was Sludgefield High School! | |
| (Bell rings offstage) | ||
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | Time for break. And make sure you stay in the slimy dark corridors and don't go out in that nasty fresh air. | |
| (All shiver. All stand up) | ||
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | William! Sit down. You're staying here. | |
| (All EXIT except Mrs F Q and William) | ||
| (Mrs F Q advances on William) | ||
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | Now, William, the detention begins. | |
| (Mrs F Q cackles horribly) | ||
| (Mrs F Q brings out a flashing wand and waves it at William who backs away) | ||
| WILLIAM (falling under desk) | Aaaaaargh! | |
| (Frog appears on top of desk) | ||
| FROG | Ribbit | |
| MRS FEATHER QUILL (consults book of spells) (Picks up jar marked wizard's beard) |
Excellent..... I'd better top up my frog mixture before the class comes back. Let me see.... Fairies' wings, one ounce, wizard's beard, one curl... Oh, no! I've run out of wizard's beard. How irritating! How annoying! How inconvenient! Where am I supposed to find wizard's beard at short notice? |
|
| (Enter headmaster - the evil-looking Dr Vilebrain) | ||
| DR VILEBRAIN | We have a crisis on our hands, Mrs Feather Quill. | |
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | I have a crisis here already, Dr Vilebrain. I'm completely out of wizard's beard. | |
| (Dr V sees the frog) | ||
| DR VILEBRAIN | Good, good! I see you're reducing our overcrowding problem. The more children you turn into frogs, the less of the horrible creatures will be running around getting in the way. | |
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | Well, Dr Vilebrain, if I don't get more wizard's beard from somewhere then I won't be able to cast any more frog spells. | |
| DR VILEBRAIN | I may be able to help you there, Mrs Feather Quill. I've had word that two wizard school inspectors are on their way, to give our school a surprise inspection - to make sure that we're only teaching good magic and no dodgy evil spells. | |
| (They look at each other and laugh) | ||
| DR VILEBRAIN | They'll also be giving a short talk to your class about the dangers of frog spells. | |
| (They laugh again) | ||
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | But do they have beards? | |
| DR VILEBRAIN | Oh, yes, they have beards all right. Long, white and silky and ripe for the trimming. | |
| (They laugh again) | ||
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | Thank you, headmaster. | |
| DR VILEBRAIN | I know I can count on you to give them a good impression, Mrs Feather Quill. You have five minutes to clear all traces of evil magic from this room. | |
| (Exit Dr Vilebrain) | ||
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | Five minutes! | |
| (Mrs F Q rushes round with a duster, cleans 'eye of newt' off blackboard, hides frog under desk, puts jars and potions away, sits down) | Frantic music | |
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | Phew! | |
| (Bell rings) | ||
| (Enter the class) | ||
| MRS FEATHER QUILL | Hurry up, let's get organised, no time to lose. I've got something very important to tell you. | |
| (Jane screams) | ||
| STEVEN | Ow, my ear! | |
| JANE | There's a frog under mydesk! | |
| SUSAN | Don't say that so loudly, everyone will want one. | |
| JANE | Well, they're welcome to it! I can't sit here. | |
| STEVEN (sighs heavily) | I'll get it for you. | |
| (Jane moves chair and Steven crawls under desk. Mrs F Q puts a crystal ball on her table.) | ||
| MRS F Q (hypnotic voice) (all in class look sleepy) |
Now, just to make sure everyone's paying attention, I want you all to look into my crystal ball... And when you look at the centre of my crystal ball, you will feel very sleepy... When the wizards come you will sit quietly and not ask them any awkward questions. You will not mention frogs. You will not mention dark magic. If they ask, you will say that this week you've been learning about pulling bunches of flowers out of people's ears. When the wizards have gone, you will wake up and forget everything that has happened... Is that clear? |
|
| ALL CLASS EXCEPT STEVEN | Crystal clear, Mrs Feather Quill. | |
| MRS F Q (snaps fingers) |
Good. Wake up now! | |
| (All wake up but look dazed) | ||
| (Steven comes out from under the desk) | ||
| STEVEN | I couldn't catch it. It hopped away over there. | |
| JANE | What did? Oh, you mean the fr - fr- fr- fr- | |
| STEVEN | Yes, the frog! | |
| JANE | Yes, that's what I meant, the fr- fr- fr- fr- the green amphibian that goes 'ribbit'. | |
| SUSAN | What are you talking about? Why can't you just say fr- fr- fr- fr- ? | |
| STEVEN | That's what she said. | |
| JANE | That's funny. It's almost as if we've had a spell put on us to stop us from saying fr- fr- fr- fr- | |
| STEVEN | FROG! | |
| JANE | Yes. | |
| (Knock at door) | ||
| MRS F Q | That'll be our guests for today. | |
| (She opens door and 2 wizards with long white beards come in) | ||
| PATRICK AND BERNARD THE WIZARDS | Greetings, pupils of the mighty Vilebrain! | |
| PATRICK | My name is Patrick the Purple | |
| BERNARD | And I'm Bernard the Blue. | |
| MRS F Q (to class) |
Evangelina Feather Quill, at your service. Well, aren't you going to say good morning to the wizards? |
|
| ALL CLASS | Good morning, Mr Patrick the Purple. Good morning Mr Bernard the Blue. | |
| PATRICK | How inspiring, don't you think, Bernard - the future of our world! | |
| BERNARD | What have you been learning this week, then? | |
| ALL CLASS EXCEPT STEVEN | We've been learning about pulling bunches of flowers out of people's ears, Mr Bernard the Blue. | |
| STEVEN | Have we? | |
| PATRICK | Ho ho ho. That'll be so useful when dark forces are taking over the world. | |
| BERNARD | Now now, Patrick. No need for sarcasm. | |
| PATRICK (While he's talking, Mrs F Q creeps around behind him with a big pair of scissors) |
Oh, I wasn't being sarcastic... One time long ago I was battling against the evil wizard Swampbreath the Rotten. My power was nearly at an end, but with my last ounce of strength I reached out and pulled a bunch of flowers out of Swampbreath's ear. | |
| BERNARD | What happened? | |
| PATRICK | Well, what do you think? With his hay fever he sneezed himself to oblivion in no time! | |
| MRS F Q (briskly, waving the scissors) |
Now wizards, what can we do for you today? Is there anything you'd specially like to see, or talk to us about? | |
| (Patrick and Bernard stare at the scissors, puzzled) | ||
| MRS F Q (with a laugh) | Maybe you'd like to have your beards trimmed? | |
| BERNARD | No, thank you Mrs Fatter Still. I never have my beard trimmed in the morning. The magic conditions have to be just right. | |
| PATRICK | But we would like to alert the class to the dangers of frog spells, Mrs Further Quail. We wouldn't want to see any of those children taking a step down the path towards evil magic. | |
| MRS F Q (laughs) | Well, go right ahead. They look as if they're all paying attention - ready to take it all in. | |
| (STEVEN puts hand up) | ||
| BERNARD | Ah, I see we have a question already. | |
| MRS FQ | I'm sure it can wait till later. | |
| PATRICK | No, let's hear it now! | |
| STEVEN | What would you do if you suspected that somebody was using dark magic to turn people into frogs? | |
| MRS FQ | Steven, what did I tell you about asking awkward questions? I'm so sorry, wizards. | |
| BERNARD (to Steven) |
No, it's quite all right, Mrs Fungus Spill. You should tell a grown-up, or someone you trust, immediately. |
|
| STEVEN | But what if there aren't any grown-ups about or they don't believe you? | |
| MRS FQ (threateningly) | STEVEN! | |
| PATRICK | Mmm, that's a very interesting question. Maybe this song will make it clearer. | |
| FROG SPELLS SONG | FROG SPELLS | |
| (Steven puts hand up) | ||
| BERNARD | Ye-e-es. | |
| STEVEN | No, that didn't make it any clearer. | |
| MRS FQ (to wizards) |
Oh, I'm sure it's as clear as it's ever going to be. He's always been a slow learner, you know. |
|
| PATRICK | On the contrary, Mrs Futon Quell, Bernard and I are going to award him our special Scroll of Honour for his perceptive and intelligent questions. | |
| (Bernard goes up to Steven and presents him with a scroll) | ||
| BERNARD (to Steven in a stage whisper) | We know there's something wrong about this school. The scroll should help you put things right. Good luck! | |
| (Bernard goes back to front of class) | ||
| MRS FQ | What was all that whispering about? | |
| PATRICK | Well, we'd better be going now. Plenty of other schools to inspect; plenty of other classes to educate about frog spells. | |
| BERNARD | Thank you for your co-operation, Mrs Feather Quilt. | |
| MRS FQ (points to side of stage) (when Patrick looks that way she trims off a bit of his beard) (Points other way and trims a bit of Bernard's beard) |
Wait a minute! What's that over there? No, it's over there now! Look! |
|
| PATRICK | What was that? | |
| MRS FQ | Oh, nothing. I just thought I saw someone casting a frog spell. | |
| (all laugh) | ||
| (Enter Dr Vilebrain) | ||
| DR VILEBRAIN (shakes hands with wizards) |
I thought I might catch you two before you left. I'm very pleased to meet you. I'm Dr Vilebrain. I hope the children have behaved themselves. |
|
| BERNARD | They were almost TOO well-behaved. | |
| PATRICK | Almost as if they were MESMERISED. | |
| DR VILEBRAIN | And no wonder! You wizards are so charismatic that I expect you often have that effect on your audience. | |
| MRS FQ | The wizards are just going - aren't you? | |
| PATRICK | Yes, indeed. Goodbye, Mrs Weather Squid. | |
| BERNARD | Goodbye, Mrs Heather Swill. | |
| (Exit Patrick and Bernard. Bernard gives thumbs-up sign to Steven, who is looking at the scroll in bafflement) | ||
| (Mrs F Q holds up the bits of beard and waves them at Dr Vilebrain) | ||
| DR VILEBRAIN | Well done, Mrs Feather Quille. Another successful inspection. The children are still entranced, I take it. | |
| MRS FQ (looks at Steven) |
Some seem to be more entranced than others, Dr Vilebrain. I think our friend Steven here should be the next one in detention, don't you? |
|
| STEVEN | I don't! | |
| DR VILEBRAIN | Too bad! Carry on, Mrs Feather Quille |
|
| MRS FQ (snaps fingers) | Wakey, wakey, rise and shine! | |
| (Class start to wake up. They look puzzled) | ||
| JANE | What happened just now? I feel confused! | |
| STEVEN (shows Jane and Susan the scroll) |
There's no time to explain but take a look at this! | |
| SUSAN | Oooh, cool! What is it? | |
| STEVEN | Beats me. All I know is it's something to do with counteracting frog spells. | |
| JANE (taking scroll and unrolling it) | These diagrams are so complicated.... Look - algebra, trigonometry... |
|
| (Jane studies the scroll for the next part of the scene) | ||
| SUSAN AND STEVEN | Bo-ring! | |
| MRS FQ | Now, class, let's show Dr Vilebrain everything we've learned today! | |
| (Long silence) | ||
| DR VILEBRAIN | Haven't they learned anything, Mrs Feather Quille? | |
| MRS FQ | Of course! Children, the bat-charming song, please. And I want you all to sing loudly this time. | |
| (Bat-charming song - 'Eye of newt, toe of frog' etc to end) | song | |
| (Mrs FQ mixes wizard beard pieces into frog mix) | ||
| DR VILEBRAIN (laughs to himself) | Well, Mrs Feather Quille, are you charmed? | |
| JANE | I've nearly got it! This bit's in ancient Druidic runes.. They say - um - How to reverse the spell. I can't work out the rest. Well, maybe I can. It'll take a little while. | |
| STEVEN | Hurry up, I've got detention as soon as the bell rings. | |
| (Bell rings) | ||
| STEVEN | Oh, no! | |
| DR VILEBRAIN | Off you go, children, and make sure you eat plenty of porridge. | |
| MRS FQ | And make sure it's cold and lumpy! | |
| (Exit class - as they're going out, Mrs FQ calls after them) | Steven! | |
| STEVEN (whispers to Jane and Susan) | Hurry up and work out that spell. I think I'm going to need it. | |
| (Dr VB raises wand and Steven seems to be pulled back into the classroom against his will) | ||
| (Jane and Susan sit on corner of stage and puzzle over the scroll - they whisper amongst themselves. Note: the corner is outside the classroom) | ||
| DR VB | So, Mrs Feather Quille, where's this frog mix of yours? I can't wait to try it out. | |
| STEVEN (in surprise) | You're going to cast the spell? Are you sure that's a good idea? Only Mrs Feather Quille was telling us earlier that you couldn't cast a frog spell to save your life. | |
| DR VB | Oh was she indeed? | |
| MRS FQ | Of course not!... But Dr Vilebrain, now I come to think of it, it would be better if I did this, since you can't cast a frog spell to save your - I mean, since it would be too menial a task for a great headmaster like yourself? | |
| DR VB | Oh, well, if you put it like that, Mrs Feather Quille. | |
| STEVEN | Wait a minute, though, Dr Vilebrain, weren't you just saying last week that Mrs Feather Quille couldn't cast a frog spell for toffee? | |
| MRS FQ | Dr Vilebrain! How could you even think such a thing? | |
| DR VB | Well, I didn't word it exactly like that. All I said was that your powers of frog spell casting are dwarfed by my mighty gifts! | |
| MRS FQ | We'll see about that, Dr Vilebrain! | |
| (Both get wands out, dip in frog mix and point threateningly at each other) | ||
| STEVEN | Oh, no, no, no, no. Weren't you listening to whatshisname and whatshisbeard? Just say no to frog spells! | |
| (They both turn towards Steven. He backs away) | ||
| DR VB (turns to Mrs FQ) |
I think you'll make a good frog, Steven Socksworth. We'll both cast at the same time. |
|
| (They raise their wands, Steven shouts 'help' and Jane and Susan get up and rush into the classroom ALL AT THE SAME TIME) | ||
| JANE AND SUSAN | Sine, cosine, tangent, blueberry, smelly sock, porridge, crossword dictionary, Felix the space monster, BANANA! | |
| (On the word Banana they rush in front of Steven) | ||
| (Flashing lights if possible) | ||
| MRS FQ AND DR VB | AAAAARGH! | |
| (They disappear under the desk and two frogs appear) | ||
| (Pause) | ||
| STEVEN | There's nothing like leaving things to the last minute. | |
| SUSAN | You're lucky we rescued you at all. Do you know how hard it was to decode those Druidic runes? | |
| STEVEN | No, how hard was it? | |
| SUSAN | Well, it wasn't hard for me at all. Jane did it. | |
| JANE (excitedly) | That was a reflection spell, designed to reflect spells back on the people who cast them. It's fascinating... | |
| STEVEN (yawns) | Yes, it certainly is. | |
| SUSAN | But what about the children who've already been turned into frogs? | |
| (Enter the two wizards in a hurry) | ||
| BERNARD | Most peculiar! | |
| PATRICK | Do you know, there are dozens of children swimming in your school lake? | |
| BERNARD | They'll catch their death of cold in this weather. | |
| PATRICK | Most worrying! | |
| (Enter rest of class. Sing Just say no to frog spells - going into slow motion at end.) | ||
| (Steven, Susan and Jane wake up from their daydream) | ||
| MRS MARKER PENNE: | Steven, Susan and Jane. Can any of you tell me what I've just been talking about? | |
| JANE: | Oh, you've come back, you evil old witch! I thought we'd turned you into a frog! | |
| (Silence. Mrs Marker Penne is stunned) | ||
| KEVIN | Oh-oh. You're going to get it now. | |
| SUSAN (loudly): | Trigonometry, Mrs Marker Penne. | |
| MRS MARKER PENNE: | WHAT? | |
| SUSAN: | Trigonometry! You were just explaining trigonometry to us and Jane found it so interesting that I think it must have affected her brain. | |
| STEVEN: | You were just explaining how we calculate the angle between the cat's ear and the dog's nose. | |
| (Mrs MP moves to side of blackboard and we see a diagram of a cat's ear and a dog's nose) | ||
| MRS MARKER PENNE: | I think that was just a lucky guess, Steven, because I know you have the attention span of a FROG. | |
| (Susan, Jane and Steven gasp and jump back, then they go quiet) | ||
| MRS MARKER PENNE: | Well, I hope you're going to pay attention a bit better this afternoon when we have a special guest in school. She's going to help us with our history of the school project. | Quick burst of haunting melody |
| (All look at each other in surprise) | ||
| SUSAN: | What was that? | |
| MRS MARKER PENNE (rubbing hands and pacing about): | Yes, it looks as if it'll be a MOST interesting afternoon. | |
| (Bell rings, lights go off, curtain etc) | ||
| END OF ACT 1 |
Part Two - Murder
| 'Part 2 - Murder' is written on the blackboard. Bell rings. Mrs Marker-Penne enters and rubs it off. Enter class and Professor Slinky |
Haunting melody | |
| SUSAN: | Listen! There it is again! | |
| KEVIN: | Shut up! | |
| SUSAN: | Don't you tell me to shut up, you great baboon! | |
| KEVIN: | Who are you calling a baboon, you great - er - chimpanzee? | |
| SUSAN: | Who are you calling a chimpanzee, you great orang-utan? | |
| KEVIN: | Who are you calling an orang-utan, you great gibbon? | |
| SUSAN: | Who are you calling a - ? | |
| STEVEN (catches sight of Professor Slinky) | Wow! Who's that? | |
| (They all look at Professor Slinky) | ||
| MRS MARKER PENNE | Pay attention, now, class! I'd like you to say good afternoon to Professor Slinky, who's come to help us with our history of the school project. | |
| ALL: | Good afternoon, Professor Slinky. | |
| PROF. S. | Good afternoon. | |
| MRS MARKER PENNE (exit Mrs MP) |
Now, I know Professor Slinky has lots of very exciting things to tell you about, so I'll just leave you in her capable hands while I go and have a smoke. | |
| PROF. S. (puzzled) | Er- thank you, Mrs Marker Penne. Now, who can tell me when the school was built? | |
| (Jane puts up her hand) | ||
| PROF. S. (looks round) | Anyone else? No? OK then. | |
| JANE: | The seventh of September, 1982 at about half past one, Professor Slinky. | |
| PROF S: | Well, it was some time in 1982, yes, that's right. So I suppose you think it doesn't have very much history, don't you? | |
| (All look completely blank) | ||
| PROF S: | Well, you're wrong, wrong, wrong! There's history all around us - even in the most unexpected places. | |
| WILLIAM: (opens schoolbag and takes out scrolls) |
Look, look! I've found the Dead Sea Scrolls in my schoolbag! | |
| PROF S: | Oh, for goodness sake be quiet back there! | |
| WILLIAM: (throws scrolls on floor) |
Oh! | |
| PROF S: | Anyway, as I was saying, some of you may be surprised to hear that on the site of this school there stood a very famous nightclub. | Haunting melody getting louder and louder... |
| PROF S: | And in that very famous nightclub there happened a MURDER which has never to this day been solved. | |
| ALL: | Oooooh! | |
| (Steven, Susan and Jane start yawning. Everything goes into slow motion. ) | Music gets louder | |
| PROF S: | Yes, a murder. Ha ha ha ha ha.... | Music deafening. Thunder, lightning, then blackout and silence. |
| (set changes to a nightclub in the 1930s. Steven, Susan and Jane at a table at the side. Professor Slinky becomes Cynthia Slinky, the singer. The bartender mixes drinks and the magician's assistant, Melissa, talks to him. Enter compere) |
1930s music - ??? | |
| COMPERE: | And now, please welcome Cynthia Slinky and the Slinkettes. | |
| (Enter Cynthia Slinky, Bonnie, Dainty and other dancers.) | ||
| SONG | Only my dreams stay the same | |
| (Thunderous applause. They take their bow. Compere announces dancing. Remaining cast take it in turns to dance in front of stage) | 1930s dance music | |
| (Bartender and Melissa talking at the bar) | ||
| MELISSA: | I'd better drink up, it's our turn next. | |
| BARTENDER: | Are you doing that trick with the swords tonight? | |
| MELISSA: | Yes, of course, we always do it! The sword trick is the centrepiece of Mr Presto's act. I don't know how we ever managed without it. | |
| BARTENDER: | Sounds dangerous to me. You wouldn't get me going into that cabinet and having swords stuck through me. | |
| MELISSA (shrugs): | It's all in a day's work for Mr Presto. | |
| BARTENDER: | Humph! Funny kind of day's work if you ask me. Don't tell him I said this, but magicians give me the creeps. | |
| MELISSA: (giggles) |
I don't give you the creeps, do I? | |
| BARTENDER: (laughs) |
Only because your boyfriend's the manager. | |
| (Enter Clive the manager but they don't see him yet) | ||
| MELISSA: | Oh, don't worry about my boy-friend, he gives everyone the creeps! | |
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: | Melissa! | |
| (Melissa turns round and sees him and gasps. Bartender looks scared) | ||
| MELISSA: | Clive! I didn't mean anything - | |
| (Clive the manager grabs her arm) | ||
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: | Were you two laughing at me? | |
| BARTENDER (grabbing Clive and trying to pull him away): | Come on, mate, let go of her. | |
| CLIVE THE MANAGER (pushing bartender hard) | Get lost, you gin-swilling scoundrel! | |
| (Melissa screams and tries to restrain Clive. Enter Bouncer at a run) | ||
| (Bouncer pulls Clive and the bartender apart) | ||
| BOUNCER: | Sorry, sir, I didn't know it was you. Are you all right? | |
| (Bouncer lets everyone go) | ||
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: (to bartender) (to Melissa) |
Of course I'm all right! But you'd better be a bit more careful or you'll be out of a job. And as for you - |
|
| (Enter Patrick Presto) | ||
| PATRICK PRESTO: | Melissa! Can you give me a hand here? | |
| (Patrick Presto pulls sword cabinet forward) | ||
| MELISSA: | Got to go! | |
| (Melissa goes to help. Clive the manager glares after her) | ||
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: | Why do I put up with her? She's impossible! | |
| (Clive storms off stage) | ||
| BOUNCER: | What was all that about? | |
| BARTENDER (shrugs): | Don't ask! | |
| BOUNCER: | Hmmmm. | |
| (Exit Bouncer) | ||
| (Dancers Bonnie and Dainty go to bar) | ||
| BARTENDER: | Hello, girls! What'll it be? | |
| DANCERS: | The usual, thanks. | |
| (Bartender gives them a drink) | ||
| BARTENDER: | Here's a good joke. | |
| DANCERS: | Oh no! | |
| BARTENDER: | No, wait, this is a really good one! | |
| DANCER 1 (BONNIE) | If it's anything like your last one I don't want to hear it. | |
| BARTENDER: | No, no, trust me, this is a really good one! | |
| (Dancers look at each other and make faces) | ||
| BARTENDER: | Right then, are you ready? Here we go..... What's the difference between King Edward and someone who's waiting in line at the fish and chip shop? | |
| DANCER 2 (DAINTY): | I don't know, what IS the difference between King Edward and someone who's waiting in line at the fish and chip shop? | |
| BARTENDER: | King Edward's HAD his chips! | |
| (Bartender laughs himself silly; dancers groan loudly) | ||
| BONNIE: | What are we going to do? He's laughing himself silly! | |
| DAINTY: | Don't worry, that won't take long! | |
| (They both laugh) | ||
| BARTENDER: | I've got another new one, you're going to love this one. It's a timeless classic... What do you call a man with potatoes in his ears? |
|
| DAINTY: | Anything you like, he can't hear you. | |
| BARTENDER: | No, an idiot! | |
| (Bartender laughs hysterically) | ||
| BONNIE: | Hey, look, they're setting up the sword cabinet! Isn't it interesting? | |
| BARTENDER: | Oh, yes, I suppose it is. Hmmm. | |
| DAINTY (sadly): | My father used to do that sword cabinet trick. He was a GREAT magician, you know. His name was the Great Supremo. He was so great... | |
| BONNIE: | Yes, Dainty, I think we've got the message. | |
| DAINTY: (Dainty goes to look at sword cabinet) (Dainty holds up sword) |
Wait a minute - they're doing that all wrong! I'd better put them right. Bonnie! Look at the fine craftsmanship of this sword. |
|
| (Bonnie goes over to have a look) | ||
| BARTENDER: (goes over to have a look) |
I've always liked fine craftsmanship. Let's have a look. | |
| (Enter Bouncer and Clive the Manager) | ||
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: | What's all the commotion? I'm trying to work. | |
| (Bouncer and Clive for over to the cabinet. Bouncer picks up sword and pretends to stab the bartender.) |
||
| BARTENDER: | Watch it mate! You could have somebody's eye out with that thing! | |
| MELISSA: | Oh, you don't have to worry about that one. That's just a collapsible sword. It's the other one you've got to watch out for. | |
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: | Other one? | |
| MELISSA: | We keep the other one in its case. Mr Presto doesn't like anyone touching it. It's a real Slashmaster, you know. | |
| BOUNCER: | O-oh. A real Slashmaster. I can't remember when I last used one of those. | |
| PATRICK PRESTO (coming out of sword cabinet) | What are you doing with my props? Stop it at once! Melissa, put the swords over there so that they're ready for the act. | |
| (Melissa puts 2 swords in cases on a table at the side of the stage) | ||
| (Bartender returns to bar. Exit Clive and Bouncer left, Bonnie and Dainty the dancers right) | ||
| PATRICK PRESTO (rubs back): | Oh, my back's giving me trouble again. | |
| MELISSA: | Great, so it's plan B then, is it? | |
| PATRICK PRESTO: | Sorry about that. | |
| MELISSA: | Clive says you're getting too old to do a magic act. | |
| PATRICK PRESTO: | Ha! Nonsense! | |
| MELISSA: | Clive says I ought to leave your act and find something better to do for a living. | |
| PATRICK PRESTO: | Does he? You're not going to listen to him, are you? | |
| MELISSA: | Well, I've got to look after myself, you know. | |
| (exit Melissa) | ||
| PATRICK PRESTO: | Nobody walks away from Patrick Presto! Well, not many people do.... Melissa! | |
| (exit Patrick Presto) | ominous music | |
| (two hands in gorilla gloves swap round swords in their cases on the table) | ||
| BARTENDER: | Now, there's something you don't see every day! | |
| (Enter compere. He speaks into the microphone) | ||
| COMPERE: | Next on our published programme is Patrick Presto's magic act, but before that - what's this I hear about our bartender being a bit of a comedian? | |
| (All groan) | ||
| BARTENDER (moving over to microphone) (Audience's groans become louder about now) |
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? CLIFF! What do you call a man with a car on his head? JACK! What do you call a man floating up and down in the sea? BOB! What do you call a man rolling around on the beach? SANDY! What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? DOUG! What do you call a man who steals things? ROB! What do you call another man who steals things? NICK! What do you call a man who's always borrowing money? OWEN! What do you call a man who's always sitting on his knees? NEIL! |
|
| STEVEN: | What do you call a man who likes your jokes? WALLY! |
|
| BARTENDER (hurt) (hands back microphone and returns to bar) |
Well, if that's the way you feel about it, I won't tell any more jokes! | |
| (All cheer) | ||
| COMPERE: | And now, without further ado, the act which you all probably didn't come here to see - the magician Patrick Presto and his lovely assistant - er- whatever her name is. | |
| (Enter Patrick Presto and Melissa in centre stage, the bouncer, Clive the Manager at left, Cynthia Slinky, Bonnie, Dainty and any other dancers at right. The others stand in groups watching the magic act) | ||
| (Patrick Presto and Melissa take a bow) | 'Magic' music | |
| (Silent pulling scarves out trick or something. Then they pull the cabinet forward. Patrick opens door. Melissa goes in. Patrick shuts door. Patrick goes to table, opens case picks up first sword. Waves it then pushes it in at top of cabinet. Everyone gasps.) |
Music gets louder | |
| (Patrick takes second sword, waves it and sticks it into cabinet.) (PAUSE) |
||
| (Melissa screams loudly.) | Music stops suddenly | |
| (Patrick Presto pulls swords out stands still for long pause then rushes off) | ||
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: | Somebody open the door! | |
| (Bouncer opens door. Melissa staggers out clutching her heart) |
||
| MELISSA: | Ow! | |
| (Melissa falls over and 'dies') | ||
| (Darkness, curtain etc Melissa disappears from stage. Curtains open, Detective and everyone except Melissa on stage) |
Music | |
| DETECTIVE: | So-o-o. Let me get this clear in my mind....The sword cabinet trick involves two swords, one a fake, one real. | |
| (Detective goes into sword cabinet and crouches down) | Normally, the person in the cabinet will crouch down to avoid the real sword as it passes over their head. | |
| (Detective comes out of cabinet) | The fake sword then looks as if it goes right through the lower slot but actually it folds up into itself. This time, however, the swords went into the WRONG slots, with not very nice consequences. | |
| (asks everyone) | How did that happen? | |
| BARTENDER: | Don't ask me, mate. I only work here. | |
| DAINTY: | Maybe it was an accident? | |
| DETECTIVE: | OH, no. Whoever did this is a murderer, and I suspect Patrick Presto. | |
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: | Of course it was Patrick Presto, you idiot! Go and catch him before he kills again! | |
| BOUNCER: | I'll track him down, sir, don't you worry. He can run, but he can't hide. If he tries any of that sword-switching stuff on me, I'm not getting into any magic cabinets. | |
| (Bouncer storms off) | ||
| DETECTIVE: | Wait a minute! Nobody should leave the scene of the crime! | |
| BONNIE: | Will I go and look for him? | |
| DETECTIVE: | Yes - no - NO! Stay here - you're a suspect as well, you know. | |
| (Bonnie starts crying) | ||
| DAINTY (to detective): | That wasn't a very nice thing to say, was it? | |
| DETECTIVE: | That's enough! You're ALL suspects until I say otherwise. | |
| STEVEN: | Even me? | |
| DETECTIVE: | Especially you! | |
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: | This is a ridiculous waste of time! You know as well as I do that there's only one real suspect. | |
| BARTENDER (points at Clive): | Yes - you! | |
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: | What? How dare you! | |
| BARTENDER: | Well, you were the one who got annoyed with Melissa earlier for talking to me. | |
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: | No, that's not true! The only person I tried to kill was you! | |
| DETECTIVE: | I know that magician is the prime suspect, but just while we're waiting for him to reappear, did anyone else handle the swords? | |
| BARTENDER (laughs): | Only everybody in the room! | |
| DETECTIVE: | Well, let me re-phrase that. Did anyone else have the chance to swap the swords round? | |
| (long pause) | ||
| BARTENDER: | Well, I don't suppose it's relevant, but just before the act started I saw somebody with gorilla hands switch the swords round. | |
| DETECTIVE: | Gorilla hands? | |
| BARTENDER: | Yes - gorilla hands. | |
| DETECTIVE: (makes 'barmy' sign) |
I'll make a note of that just in case it has a bearing on the case.... Did anyone else see these 'gorilla hands'? |
|
| (Steven puts hand up) | ||
| STEVEN: | I did. | |
| DETECTIVE: | Hmm. I see. Anybody else? | |
| BARTENDER: | They were all backstage at the time. | |
| DETECTIVE (to Steven): | Hey, you! Could you go and check the backstage area for gorillas. | |
| STEVEN | Er - ok. | |
| (exit Steven to backstage) | ||
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: (to bartender) |
Well, really! Gorillas! Is that the best you can come up with? |
|
| COMPERE: | Excuse me, gents. Is it really necessary to count me as a suspect? I just stand here and introduce the acts. I really should be getting home, you know. It's boiled beef and carrots on Tuesdays. | |
| ALL (singing): | Boiled beef and carrots! Boiled beef and carrots! |
|
| DETECTIVE: | Aaaargh! Those showbiz people will be the death of me! | |
| (Enter Steven with gorilla gloves) | ||
| STEVEN: | Look what I've found! | |
| DETECTIVE (takes gloves): | Aha! | |
| STEVEN: | Now all you have to do is get a DNA test done and the case will be solved. | |
| (Everyone looks blank) | ||
| BARTENDER: | I don't think those have been invented yet. | |
| BOUNCER (offstage): | Hey, I've found him! | |
| (Enter Bouncer and Patrick Presto) | ||
| DETECTIVE: | Is this him? | |
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: | Yes, this is the cad who's slain my beloved Melissa... How dare you show your face in here? | |
| BOUNCER: | But you told me to go and catch him, sir. | |
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: | Quiet! | |
| DETECTIVE: | Quiet, all of you! I have a few questions for Mr Presto. | |
| PATRICK PRESTO: | Such as? | |
| DETECTIVE: | Did you do it? | |
| PATRICK PRESTO: | Well, I must confess.... | |
| (All gasp) | ||
| PATRICK PRESTO | That I didn't do it. Someone must have switched the swords. | |
| DETECTIVE: | Hmmm. Well, That's my theory out the window, then. | |
| CYNTHIA SLINKY: | Not necessarily... | |
| BONNIE: | He might still have done it - | |
| DAINTY: | And told you he didn't do it! | |
| PATRICK PRESTO: | Now, have you got any idea how ridiculous that sounds? Have you got any idea about anything? Who switched the swords? Who invented penicillin? Has penicillin been invented yet? Who.... | |
| DAINTY: (to Detective) |
Be quiet, you thieving villain! Why don't you just take him away and lock him up? |
|
| DETECTIVE: | I can't do that. I haven't got any evidence or any clues. I might as well go home. 'Bye. | |
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: (points at Patrick Presto) |
I can't believe he just did that! He's left us with a murderer in our midst! This one, to be precise. | |
| (Bartender picks up gorilla gloves) | ||
| BARTENDER: | I wouldn't jump to such hasty conclusions. We have the evidence here. We can solve this ourselves... | |
| CLIVE THE MANAGER: | But how are we going to do that? | |
| STEVEN (jumping up): | Of course! Whoever the gorilla gloves fit is the murderer! | |
| (All look worried. Patrick Presto steps forward confidently) |
||
| PATRICK PRESTO: (takes gloves, tries to put them on but they won't go on) (puts gloves down, walks off and stands with back to everyone) |
Well, allow me to be the first to demonstrate my innocence. Voila! |
|
| STEVEN: | Or could it be - Clive the Manager! | |
| CLIVE THE MANAGER (tries on gloves but they won't fit): | Phew! It wasn't me! | |
| STEVEN: | or perhaps even - the Bouncer! | |
| BOUNCER: (tries on gloves but they don't fit) |
Oh, please, my hands are the weapons of a highly trained fighting machine. | |
| STEVEN: | Any of you ladies care to try on the gloves? | |
| DAINTY: | This is so silly! How can it possibly work? | |
| CYNTHIA S: | Sssh! | |
| (Cynthia takes gloves, can't get them on, hands to Bonnie, who can't get gloves on either. Everyone looks at Dainty) | ||
| BONNIE: | Come on Dainty, you prove your innocence as well! | |
| (Bonnie gives Dainty the gloves) | ||
| DAINTY: | OH, come on now, it can't possibly be me. What reason could I have for murdering an innocent magician's assistant? | |
| STEVEN: (helps Dainty put gloves on) |
Maybe because - You weren't trying to murder his assistant! You were trying to murder Patrick Presto! |
|
| (Patrick Presto turns round) | ||
| PATRICK PRESTO: | Yes, I worked that out straight away. Why do you think I ran off? It was because I knew my life was in danger. | |
| DAINTY: (laughs menacingly) |
And still is! | |
| PATRICK PRESTO (hides behind one of dancers) | Aaaah! | |
| STEVEN: | Yes, it was meant to be Patrick Presto in that cabinet, only he had a bad back, so he couldn't crouch down. What sort of a grudge did you have against him, Dainty? | |
| DAINTY: | That CHARLATAN stole my father's tricks. I told you he was a great magician - maybe the greatest ever! The Great Supremo! The sword cabinet trick was one of his best illusions - until this thieving villain stole the idea and the design and used it in his own act. He used to be my father's backstage helper - he wasn't even fit to tie his shoelaces! Isn't all that enough reason for murder? | |
| (Dainty leaps across the stage and attacks Patrick Presto. Everyone else is rooted to the spot at first, then curtains close....all exit except Dainty/Jane and Patrick) | ||
| Dramatic Music | ||
| (Curtains open) | ||
| (Jane is attacking the school janitor Patrick Prestwick, who stands with his mop and bucket looking completely baffled) | ||
| JANE (shouting): | Isn't that a good enough reason for murder? | |
| PATRICK PRESTWICK: | Look, I said I was sorry! I didn't mean to throw your maths book in the bin. | |
| (Enter Mrs Marker Penne) | ||
| MRS MP | Jane, you've been acting very strangely today. What's the matter with you? | |
| (Enter Susan and Steven, who surround Jane) | ||
| SUSAN: | I think she's been touched by a bit of MAGIC, Mrs Marker Penne. | |
| STEVEN: | Yes, I don't blame her. Some of these long school days can be MURDER. | |
| MRS MP | Well, I don't know. I leave my class alone for five minutes and it's just complete MAYHEM. | |
| (Enter all) | ||
| FINAL SONG - MAGIC, MURDER AND MAYHEM. THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE CURTAIN THE END!!!!!!! |
Songs
The bat-charming song
Eye of newt, toe of frog
Ear of cat, and nose of dog
Mix it up and watch it brew
Some for me and lots for you.
Hamster's hair, hedgehog's spine
Hemlock root and cone of pine
Mix it up and watch it simmer
Just the thing for our school dinner -
Yeah!
Just say no to frog spells
Maybe it's for the money
Or because you think it's funny
To turn someone into a frog.
I suppose you think it's clever
To make someone spend forever
Saying 'ribbit' and sitting on a log.
Just say no to frog spells
Say no, say no to frog spells
Frog spelling is no longer cool.
Just say no to frog spells
Say no, say no to frog spells
We'll banish them forever from the school.
Maybe it makes you feel good
Or you've always thought that you should
Do the same thing as everybody does.
Go your own way and you'll find
By making up your own mind
You can get quite a different buzz.
Just say no to frog spells
Say no, say no to frog spells
Frog spelling is no longer cool.
Just say no to frog spells
Say no, say no to frog spells
We'll banish them forever from the school.
Only my dreams stay the same
Four seasons' weather in the same day
All kinds of weather coming my way.
Snow, thunder, sunshine and then the rain
Only my dreams stay the same.
We drift apart and then together
We're all playing a different game
Not many friendships last forever
Only my dreams stay the same
Only my dreams stay the same
Only my dreams stay the same
There'll be changes for sure through the years
I will change all my hopes and my fears
It's no-one's fault, there's no one to blame
Only my dreams stay the same
We drift apart and then together
We're all playing a different game
Not many friendships last forever
Only my dreams stay the same
Only my dreams stay the same
Only my dreams stay the same.
Magic, Murder and Mayhem
It's magic when your friends all turn into frogs
Magic when it rains real cats and dogs
It's magic if you make all sorts of things appear
Magic rainbows, magic cat, magic this, magic that.
A magic bunch of flowers from someone's ear.
It's not murder when your feet are killing you
(It may just mean your shoes are much too new)
It's not murder when you could murder a bowl of flakes
(You're not really a cereal killer or a homicidal gorilla)
And everybody makes a few mistakes.
It's mayhem if you're caught in an earthquake
Mayhem when the ground beneath you starts to shake
And mayhem when you see a volcano glow
But it's always total mayhem, complete and utter mayhem
It's always mayhem putting on a show!