Body

Snow White and the Seven Martians

A pantomime by Sheila and Alex Perry

Act One Prologue

In the wicked stepmother's room at the castle

Actions and characters	Dialogue	Stage directions
Mirror already on stage. Spirits of the mirror behind it. Enter Belladonna and Mike the vulture.		Curtains open. Dim lighting.
BELLADONNA (singing, to mirror):	Mirror, mirror, on the wall Who is the fairest of them all?	Mirror song begins.
SPIRITS OF MIRROR (singing):	Well it isn't you, you ugly old bat Your nose is warty and you're much too fat Your nose is warty and you're much too fat!
BELLADONNA (speaking):	Fat? How dare you? I'm not fat, am I, Mike?	Mirror music quietly in background.
MIKE: (looks at her in a hungry, vulture-like way)	You're almost skeletally thin, your ladyship. There's no meat on your bones at all.
BELLADONNA (speaking, to mirror): (singing):	Well, I'll ask you again… Mirror, mirror, on the wall Who is the fairest of them all?	Mirror song continues.
SPIRITS OF MIRROR (singing):	Well it isn't you, you hideous crone One look at you turns people to stone One look at you turns people to stone
BELLADONNA (speaking):	Don't you talk to me like that or I'll smash you into a million pieces!	Mirror music quietly in background.
MIKE:	You're beautiful when you're angry.
BELLADONNA: (singing, to mirror):	Oh, shut up! If I'd thought my pet vulture's opinion was any use, I wouldn't have bought this mirror! Mirror, mirror, on the wall Who is the fairest of them all?	Mirror song continues.
SPIRITS OF MIRROR (singing):	Well it isn't you, you repulsive hag Your face would look better in a paper bag Your face would look better in a paper bag!
BELLADONNA (speaking):	Well, that's it! I've had it up to here with this mirror. I'm going to take it straight back to that mad scientist and break it over his head!	Mirror music comes to an end.
SPIRITS OF MIRROR (speaking):	And while you're there, you'll want to get some genuine Essence of Angels beauty potion.
Mirror spirits launch into advertising jingle and dance.		Jingly, annoying music.
BELLADONNA (to Mike):	Get me some Essence of Angels, Mike. I don't care what you have to do. Just get it for me.	End of jingle.
MIKE:	I might have to kill some small, furry animals.
BELLADONNA: (kicks Mike off the stage)	Whatever.
(Exit Mike.)
BELLADONNA: (exits)	I will be the fairest of them all! I must be the fairest! It was meant to be!
SPIRITS OF MIRROR: (singing):	No it wasn't. Little does she know her quest's in vain Her hopes will all go down the drain As sure as I'm hanging here on this wall Snow White is the fairest of them all Snow White is the fairest of them all.	Mirror music plays one more time.

End of act one prologue!

Act One Scene One

In the forest

Actions and characters	Dialogue	Stage directions
		Pastoral symphony. Nice lighting.
Enter mad scientist and assistant carrying trap. They set up the trap centre stage.
MAD SCIENTIST:	There! That should do it!
ASSISTANT:	That should do what?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Provide us with an endless supply of small furry animals.
ASSISTANT:	Oh… why do we need to be provided with an endless supply of small furry animals?
MAD SCIENTIST:	For Operation Mars, of course!
ASSISTANT:	Oh… why do we need to be provided with an endless supply of small furry animals for Operation Mars Of Course?
MAD SCIENTIST (getting annoyed):	Why are you repeating everything I say?
ASSISTANT:	Why am I repeating everything you say?
MAD SCIENTIST:	I don't know! Possibly because your brain's been invaded by microbes from the planet Zog.
ASSISTANT (worried):	My brain's been invaded by microbes from the planet Zog?! What am I going to do?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Right now, you're going to shut up and look after this trap while I go and carry on with my other preparations.
ASSISTANT:	All right, I'll make sure no furry animals go near it.
MAD SCIENTIST (sighs): (unrolls huge piece of paper with picture of small furry animal going into trap and assistant standing nearby) (rolls up piece of paper)	Do I need to show you the diagram again? Look: Trap. Small furry animal going into trap. You.
ASSISTANT:	Oh, I see. I've just got to stand over here. Easy peasy.
MAD SCIENTIST:	And if anything gets caught in the trap, you tell me straight away.
ASSISTANT:	Lemon squeezy.
MAD SCIENTIST: (points to a spot)	Quite. Just don't step here. Do you hear me? Don't step here. Absolutely not.
ASSISTANT:	Absolutely not. No chance. Not in a million years.
MAD SCIENTIST: (exits)	Good.
ASSISTANT (stepping round and round trap): (puts foot on side of trap experimentally)	Was it here I wasn't supposed to step? Or here?
Assistant moves foot. Trap makes sound. He jumps away.		Clicking sound.
ASSISTANT:	Ah!
Assistant leans against tree. Moves across and leans somewhere else. Yawns widely.
ASSISTANT: (moves to front of stage) (waits for audience and responds accordingly) (sits down on ground)	I'm tired… If I lie down and have a snooze, you won't tell the mad scientist, will you? Just wake me up as soon as you see a small furry animal. Just shout 'Wake up, wake up, there's a small furry animal!' That's the secret code… let's have a practice go. I'll pretend to go to sleep and you shout, 'Wake up, wake up, there's a small furry animal!' Do you think you can manage that?
Lies down and closes eyes. Waits for audience response - if nothing happens he sits up and tells them again. Once the audience have done it he praises them:
ASSISTANT: (lies down and closes eyes)	Very good. It's time for my snooze now. Remember to keep watch.
Enter rabbit who runs around the stage and sees the trap. When the audience shout it runs off.
ASSISTANT (waking up and looking round): (yawns, lies down, closes eyes)	All right, all right, I know you can do it. Just let me have my sleep now.
Enter rabbit with mouse. They run around the stage. Rabbit points to trap and mouse peers at it suspiciously from a safe distance.
Audience shout - assistant wakes up, sees rabbit and mouse, runs to trap and gets caught in it. Rabbit and mouse laugh.
ASSISTANT:	Help! Get me out of here!
Enter Snow White at front of stage. Sings 'Round the Next Corner'. Doesn't see assistant at first.		Round the next corner
Rabbit and mouse run up to Snow White and point towards the trap.
SNOW WHITE:	Who put that horrible thing in this forest?
ASSISTANT:	No-one put me here - I just set off the trap by mistake.
Snow White goes closer and peers inside.
SNOW WHITE:	What are you doing in there?
ASSISTANT:	Trying to get out.
SNOW WHITE: ('cuts' through the net)	Maybe I can help you to get out. I've got a little pair of scissors here. I'll cut through this net. There!
Assistant scrambles through.
SNOW WHITE:	That wasn't very nice of someone to set a trap for you, was it?
ASSISTANT:	Oh, it wasn't for me, it was for the small furry animals.
Rabbit and mouse jump.
SNOW WHITE:	But why would anyone want to trap small furry animals?
ASSISTANT:	Oh, we're going to send them to Mars in little spaceships. But it won't do them any harm. The mad scientist says so.
SNOW WHITE:	Well, if you believe that, you'll believe anything. It's a very dangerous thing to do with small furry animals, and I'm not going to stand for it.
ASSISTANT:	There's a tree-stump there you can sit on.
(Snow White sits on tree stump.)
SNOW WHITE:	We'll have to organise a protest march.
ASSISTANT:	A protest march?
SNOW WHITE: (to small furry animals)	Yes, a protest march by all the small furry animals in the forest! Come on. Let's go and make some banners.
Exit Snow White, animals and assistant chasing.
ASSISTANT:	Hey, wait for me, I want to help too.
Enter mad scientist, dragging spaceship.
MAD SCIENTIST: (looks round)	I wonder if I should fit some more sub-atomic boosters to make sure it can reach the escape velocity required. Where is that idiot of a boy? I need a small furry animal.
Enter Mike the vulture, and stands behind mad scientist. Mad scientist looks round, does double-take.
MIKE:	The smallest ones are the juiciest, there's no doubt about that.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Ah, Belladonna's vulture!
MIKE:	Mike - please.
MAD SCIENTIST:	How do you like my spaceship Mike?
Mike walks round spaceship looking at it critically.
MIKE:	It will never fly as gracefully as I!
MAD SCIENTIST:	I would beg to differ. This spaceship has been designed to outfly even the most skilled tattered old vulture.
MIKE:	Do you mind? I'm in my prime!
MAD SCIENTIST:	But surely even you would benefit from some Essence of Angels.
MIKE:	Actually, that's why I've come here. Her ladyship couldn't resist the very subtle advert that you planted in that mirror. She wants me to get her some so that she can be the fairest of them all.
Mad scientist laughs scornfully.
MAD SCIENTIST: (hands Mike a bottle)	Very well. Tell her to take a spoonful of this twice daily. That'll be 5 Euros - just sign here.
Mike peers at piece of paper mad scientist gives him.
MIKE (reading from it):	I, the undersigned, hereby accept full liability for damages caused by this product such as hair loss, warts, turning into a frog -
MAD SCIENTIST (interrupting):	I didn't know vultures could read.
MIKE: (pulls feather out and signs it) (quietly)	Oh, well, it looks OK to me. Just out of interest, does it work on vultures?
MAD SCIENTIST: (starts to exit)	Essence of Angels works on every living thing. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and find a small furry animal.
Exit mad scientist. Mike looks round to make sure he's alone.
MIKE (muttering to self): (slurps down some Essence of Angels) (to audience) (waits for audience response - encourages if necessary)	Now should I -? Mm… one spoonful twice daily. Well, I won't get another chance so… Well, I don't feel any different. Do I look any different? Oh, I need a small furry animal.
Marching and chanting in distance. Enter protest march - Snow White in front, animals in middle, carrying placards.
SNOW WHITE:	What do we want?
ALL ANIMALS:	To be left alone!
SNOW WHITE:	When do we want it?
ALL ANIMALS:	Now!
Mike starts stalking the mouse, and chases it round the stage. Mouse squeaks for help. Chaos among animals. Snow White notices at last.
SNOW WHITE: (hits Mike over the head with placard)	Mike! Stop that!
Mike stops chasing mouse. Mouse scurries into middle of group.
MIKE:	But I'm hungry! What am I supposed to eat? Pine cones?
SNOW WHITE:	Well, I could run you up a nice nut burger when I get home.
MIKE:	Bah! That's no diet for a growing vulture.
SNOW WHITE:	Well, you're not terrorising these small furry animals any more. We're having a protest march. They won't be oppressed by the likes of you any more.
MIKE:	Oh, I'm so scared!
Exit Mike, threatening rabbit on the way.
SNOW WHITE (pointing to spaceship):	Look at this! It's one of those spaceships I was telling you about. The mad scientist is planning to send you all to Mars in one of these.
Small furry animals all shiver and squeak.
SNOW WHITE (shouts):	But we won't let that happen, will we?
ANIMALS & ASSISTANT:	NO!
ALL:	2, 4, 6, 8, what is it we really hate? M-A-R-S, MARS!!!
SNOW WHITE:	Come on, link arms round the spaceship. It'll be a living chain that can't be broken.
They all link arms round the spaceship and sing.
ALL:	We shall not, we shall not be moved We shall not, we shall not be moved
Enter mad scientist.
MAD SCIENTIST: (sees assistant)	What is all this noise? I cannot hear myself think. You! What do you think you are doing?
ASSISTANT:	We're having a protest march. Do you want to join in?
SNOW WHITE & MAD SCIENTIST:	Don't be ridiculous!
MAD SCIENTIST:	You get out of that circle right away.
SNOW WHITE:	No, stay where you are!
Assistant looks from one to the other wondering what to do.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Would you rather I sent you to Mars instead of one of those small furry animals?
ASSISTANT:	Er - no.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Well, if you haven't caught one by the time I count to 10, that's what will happen to you. One… two…
Assistant looks round for animal but they're swarming around in a panic. He starts to chase them.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Three… four… five…
SNOW WHITE:	No, don't do it! I won't let you!
Snow White tries to grab assistant but mad scientist grabs her and puts her in trap.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Six… seven…
SNOW WHITE:	You don't have to do what he tells you! Stand up to him!
ASSISTANT (stops chasing animals): (goes to mad scientist)	You're right. Go on then, send me to Mars.
MAD SCIENTIST:	You'd be no use for my plans.
A squirrel comes too close to him and he grabs it. It squeaks.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Ah, what have we here? A squirrel!
He opens the spaceship door, puts the squirrel in, closes it.
SNOW WHITE:	Stop! Let that squirrel go! Send me instead.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Mm. Tempting, but I can't trust you to find the Lost Thing of Whatshisname.
ASSISTANT:	The Lost Thingy of Whatshisname?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Yes, the Lost Thingy. An ancient item of incredible power. Buried deep beneath the surface of Mars.
ASSISTANT:	Is that why you're sending these small furry animals there?
MAD SCIENTIST: (opens spaceship and shouts)	Yes. They can tunnel their way down through the Martian soil and bring the Lost Thingy back to me. Do you hear that? Find me the Lost Thingy of Whatshisname.
Squirrel squeaks. Mad scientist slams spaceship door.
MAD SCIENTIST (to assistant):	Everything is ready. We must launch this spaceship now. Let's start the countdown.
Mad scientist presses button on spaceship.
VOICE (through microphone):	Ten - nine - eight.
SNOW WHITE:	Pssst!
Assistant catches Snow White's eye. She points to the spaceship and shakes her head.
VOICE:	Seven - six - five.
Assistant creeps round back of spaceship and fiddles and the countdown stops.
MAD SCIENTIST: (looks round to see assistant)	What has happened?
ASSISTANT:	It wasn't me!
MAD SCIENTIST: (assistant moves away) (presses button)	Keep away from that spaceship! Now let's try again.
VOICE (starts where it left off with countdown):	Four - three - two - one - lift off!
Spaceship makes spluttering noises and stays where it is.
MAD SCIENTIST:	What have you done to it?
SNOW WHITE:	Well, it doesn't look like any furry animals will be landing on Mars.
ASSISTANT:	Maybe it needs a push start.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Push start! I've never heard such nonsense.
ASSISTANT:	It might work.
Mad scientist looks at him suspiciously.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Well, I will try.
Mad scientist starts to push the spaceship off.
SNOW WHITE (whispers to assistant):	It'll never work.
ASSISTANT (to Snow White):	I know.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Hey, I need your help with this.
Assistant and mad scientist push spaceship behind flat.
They stagger back on stage looking dazed.		Booming noise, flash of light.
MAD SCIENTIST:	It worked!
ASSISTANT:	There it goes!
SNOW WHITE:	No-oo-oo!
MAD SCIENTIST:	My plans are well under way now. I must go back to my lab and rest.
ASSISTANT (pointing to Snow White):	But what about her?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Oh, let her go. She can't do us any harm.
Exit mad scientist. Assistant helps Snow White out of trap.
SNOW WHITE:	Why didn't you let me out earlier? You're just as bad as he is! I never want to see you again!
Exit Snow White stormily.
ASSISTANT: (gazes dreamily after her)	Wait! Two, three, four, five Snow White's the nicest girl alive.
Exit assistant.

End of Act 1 Scene 1!

Act One Scene Two

In the wicked stepmother's room at the castle

Mirror on stage. Belladonna on stage peering up and down. Enter Mike the vulture with beauty potion, looking more sleek and handsome.
BELLADONNA (seeing potion):	Is this it? Is this my Essence of Angels?
MIKE:	Yes, your ladyship.
BELLADONNA (looks at him more closely):	Have you been having your feathers brushed?
MIKE:	No, your ladyship.
Belladonna takes potion from Mike.
BELLADONNA (holds up potion up): (drinks potion, glug, glug, glug) (clutches throat)	Once I've taken this potion, not even this stupid mirror will deny that I'm the fairest of them all. Ooorrgh! This is the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted! Why didn't you warn me?
MIKE:	I didn't know -
BELLADONNA (interrupting): (rushes off, exits)	Oh, never mind that! I've got to get a drink of water -
MIKE: (looks in mirror) (admiring self in mirror)	It tasted OK to me, but then, I'm a vulture. Hmm. Tattered old vulture, indeed! I wonder if this magic mirror works on vultures.
MIKE (singing):	Mirror, mirror, on the wall Who is the fairest of them all?	Mirror song again
MIRROR (singing):	Well, you're not so tattered as you were before But beneath fine feathers there's a rotten core Beneath fine feathers there's a rotten core!	Mirror song ends
MIKE (speaking):	Oh, you flatter me.
Enter Belladonna without false warty nose, etc.
BELLADONNA:	Well, Mike, do I look any different?
MIKE:	Hmm… there's something different about you. I can't quite put my finger on it - not that I want to, of course.
BELLADONNA (pushing Mike aside):	Get out of the way! I want to ask the mirror.
BELLADONNA (singing):	Mirror, mirror, on the wall Who is the fairest of them all?	Mirror song.
MIRROR:	Well, you're getting better but it's not enough Snow White's still fairer, so that's just tough Snow White's still fairer, so that's just tough!	Mirror song ends.
BELLADONNA (screeching): (turning back to mirror)	SNOW WHITE!!! What do you mean Snow White's fairer? Right. This is your last chance. Tell me how I can become the fairest of them all.
MIRROR:	Well, Snow White's the only one fairer than you So getting rid of her is the thing to do.
BELLADONNA:	Getting rid of Snow White? Why didn't I think of that? Why didn't you think of that, Mike?
MIKE:	What a brilliant idea, your ladyship.
BELLADONNA:	And I know just the person who can help me carry it out.
Pause.
MIKE:	Don't look at me, I'm only a vulture.
BELLADONNA:	No, not you, you scruffy old bird. I mean the mad scientist. He's helped me before. He'll find a way to get rid of her once and for all. Go and tell him what I want him to do. I'll find Snow White and send her to him.
MIKE:	Yes, your ladyship.
Exit Mike.
BELLADONNA (to audience): (evil laughter) (calls)	With Snow White out of the way I will be the fairest! It's my destiny! Snow White! Snow White, dear!
Enter Snow White looking very suspicious.
SNOW WHITE:	What do you want?
BELLADONNA:	Now, now, that's not a very nice tone to use to your beloved stepmother.
SNOW WHITE (sarcastically): (nicely)	Oh, sor-ry! What do you want, dearest step-mummy?
BELLADONNA:	I happen to know that my friend the mad scientist has some new supplies of Essence of Angels potion. Now, you could use some of that, couldn't you?
SNOW WHITE:	I'm not going to him, he's evil! Didn't you know he's been sending small furry animals to Mars in spaceships?
BELLADONNA:	Oh, that reminds me, Mike just told me he saw the mad scientist capturing some small furry animals in the wood a little while ago. Maybe you should go and rescue them before he sends them into orbit?
SNOW WHITE:	Why didn't you say so in the first place? Of course I must go and rescue them.
BELLADONNA:	You'd better hurry, hadn't you? No time to lose.
Snow White glares at her and exits.
BELLADONNA: (in evil tone) (evil laughter)	Good luck, dear! The trap is set. Good bye, Snow White - for ever!
Exit Belladonna.

End of Act 1 Scene 2!

Act 1 Scene 3

In the forest

Spaceship on stage, camouflaged with creepers. Mad scientist pacing up and down muttering.		Pastural symphony and nice lighting.
MAD SCIENTIST:	How am I supposed to catch small furry animals now they've all turned militant? It's that girl, Snow White's fault. They were quite docile until she stirred them up. She's turned my assistant's head as well. He's done nothing but read poetry and pick flowers since she was last here.
Enter assistant with poetry book and big daisy.
ASSISTANT (declaiming):	Roses are red Violets are blue -
MAD SCIENTIST:	Get on with your work Or I'll experiment on you!
Exit assistant, running.
Enter Mike the vulture.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Have you come for more Essence of Angels already?
MIKE:	No… her ladyship would like to ask a favour of you.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Anything for the fair Belladonna! I trust she is fair by now - no more warts, or unsightly blemishes?
MIKE:	Yes, but she isn't quite fair enough. There's still one person who's fairer - and that's what I've come to see you about.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Who is this paragon of beauty? Not you, I hope… Though you do look surprisingly fair - for a vulture.
MIKE (hollow laugh):	No, it isn't me. It's her ladyship's step-daughter, Snow White.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Don't talk to me about Snow White! She's ruined my life's work and she's reduced my assistant to a quivering jelly.
MIKE:	You won't mind - er - disposing of her then?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Do I look like the sort of person who would do something as evil as that?
MIKE:	Yes.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Oh all right then. Send her to me and I'll see what I can do.
MIKE:	She's on her way.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Now remember, we never had this conversation.
MIKE:	What conversation?
They both laugh hollowly. Mike starts to exit.
MAD SCIENTIST: (Mike comes back)	Mike, wait a minute. Do you think her ladyship would have any objection to me sending Snow White to Mars in a spaceship?
MIKE:	That depends.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Depends on what?
MIKE:	On whether she finds out or not.
Exit Mike, laughing.
Enter assistant with poetry book and bunch of flowers.
ASSISTANT (declaiming):	Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Enter Snow White, singing 'Round the Next Corner'		Round the Next Corner music.
ASSISTANT: (runs away in confusion)	Aaaagh!
SNOW WHITE:	What's the matter with him?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Oh, it's some sort of chemical imbalance. He'll be fine.
SNOW WHITE (looking round):	Where are they then?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Where are what?
SNOW WHITE:	The small furry animals, of course! Where are you hiding them?
MAD SCIENTIST:	I don't know what you're talking about. I haven't sent any small furry animals to Mars for at least - er - half an hour.
Snow White sees spaceship under creepers.
SNOW WHITE: (pulls creepers off spaceship)	Are you sure you're not planning to do that right now?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Oh, that's not a spaceship. It's a mobile hairdressing salon for small furry animals. I've changed my ways.
SNOW WHITE: (turns to audience) (waits for response, hopes it's 'No') (waits for response, hopes for 'No' again) (turns back towards spaceship but scientist stands in front of it)	Well, I don't know! Can I ask the audience? Is he telling the truth? Really, you don't think I can trust him? Well, that's good enough for me! I wonder what is in here.
MAD SCIENTIST:	I don't think you should go in there. The shampoo and set cycle hasn't finished yet. The results could be unpredictable.
Snow White pushes him aside and opens door. Mouse jumps out and runs away squeaking.
SNOW WHITE:	That mouse didn't look as if he'd had his hair done. Are there any others in here?
Snow White steps forward into the spaceship. Mad scientist rushes up and slams the door.
SNOW WHITE:	I can't see anything! It's too dark!
MAD SCIENTIST:	It'll be even darker when you're hurtling through space.
SNOW WHITE:	Space?!
MAD SCIENTIST:	Yes, that big black thing you have to go through to get to Mars. And when you get there, don't forget to look for the Lost Thingy of Whatshisname. And send it back to me.
SNOW WHITE:	What is this Lost Thingy exactly? Will I know it when I see it?
MAD SCIENTIST:	You will feel its incredible power.
SNOW WHITE:	Why don't you just go and look for it yourself?
MAD SCIENTIST:	There is a very simple reason for that… I can't be bothered. Now remember to fasten your seat-belt. Clunk, click, every trip!
SNOW WHITE:	Seat-belt? There isn't a -
Mad scientist pushes spaceship off behind flats.		Booming noises, flashes of light, etc.
Enter assistant, running.
ASSISTANT:	What have you done? Where is she?
MAD SCIENTIST (shielding eyes):	Where is who?… Oh, that Snow White girl. She was here a minute ago.
ASSISTANT:	You've sent her into space, haven't you?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Oh, dear, oh, dear, I think you're suffering from an over-wrought imagination. Maybe you should go and lie down. Then you must help me build another spaceship for fast and efficient small furry animal transportation.
ASSISTANT:	No! I won't! I've had enough! I quit!
MAD SCIENTIST (turns away):	Fine. I don't need your help any more. Not now that the Lost Thingy is finally within my grasp.
ASSISTANT: (turns away)	There's no such thing as the Lost Thingy. I think you just made it up.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Fine! Think what you like!
ASSISTANT:	Fine! I will!
MAD SCIENTIST & ASSISTANT:	Ha!
Exit in opposite directions.

End of Act 1 Scene 3!

Act 1 Scene 4

On the surface of Mars with Martian house at side

In the middle of the stage is a big pile of ruined spaceships. Snow White steps out of the rubble, weaving a bit and unsteady on her feet.		Martian music and weird alien lighting.
SNOW WHITE:	One small step for me - and nothing for anyone else! I wonder if I'm the first person ever to come to Mars… I hope the small furry animals are all right.
Enter squirrel, vole and shrew. They cluster round Snow White making small furry animal noises.
SNOW WHITE:	There you are! Hello Squirrel! Hello Vole! And I don't think I've met your little friend.
Animals squeak.
SNOW WHITE:	Oh! Hello Shrew! I'm so glad you're all right. Is there any sign of the Lost Thingy yet?
Animals shake heads.
Shrew squeaks.
SNOW WHITE:	What is it?
Shrew squeaks again.
SNOW WHITE:	No, I don't know what you're talking about.
Shrew tries to growl like a monster. Vole does the same. Squirrel growls like a monster and holds arms out to show size.
SNOW WHITE:	I still don't understand what you're trying to tell me.
Animals repeat their noises.
SNOW WHITE:	Some sort of creature?
Enter Felix the space monster, behind Snow White. Animals see him, squeak and point, then run off.
SNOW WHITE:	Come back! You haven't finished telling me yet!
Snow White looks round at Felix, turns back then does double take, screams and runs off.
Enter Martian Commander Callisto, looking important.
CALLISTO:	Felix! To heel! To heel!
Felix stands next to commander.
CALLISTO:	I keep thinking I see small furry Earth animals around here. Have you seen any, Felix?
Felix growls and nods.
CALLISTO: (Felix growls and nods again) (Felix makes a funny gurgling noise)	I've told my seven worthless workers to keep an eye out for them, but you know them. They wouldn't know something important if it jumped up and bit them on the nose. This would never have happened in my last job on Alpha Centauri. We had highly skilled workers from the jelly mines of Jupiter, and the marmalade mines of Mercury, and the pizza mines of Pluto. Didn't we, Felix? They were nothing like these seven nitwits. If I didn't crave the boundless power the Lost Thingy will give me, I'd just go back to my spaghetti farm on Saturn. Sorry, I forgot you were allergic to pasta.
Enter the 7 Martians, singing.
7 MARTIANS:	7 Martians marching in a line 7 Martians going down the mine 7 Martians will be there on time Everything is going to turn out fine!	Music begins. Music ends.
CALLISTO:	What an unearthly racket! What do you think you're doing? You're three and a half seconds late for work!
SNIPPY:	What does it look like we're doing?
MERRY:	We're trying to bring a bit of cheer into our lives. Care to join in?
CALLISTO:	No! Keep the noise levels down or I'll set Felix on you.
Felix growls. Titch hides behind Basher.
TITCH:	Don't let him get me, Basher!
CALLISTO:	You've wasted enough time today. Has everybody got everything?
7 MARTIANS:	Yes!
Felix nods his head as well.
CALLISTO:	Dippy, where's your pick?
DIPPY:	What? What are you talking about?
CALLISTO:	Your pick! Where is it?
DIPPY (looking round in panic): (looks satisfied)	I'm sure I saw it somewhere… Oh yes, it was on the table in our house.
CALLISTO:	Well, go and get it then!
Dippy looks round helplessly.
CALLISTO:	Snuffly! Take him back to the house for it.
SNUFFLY: (sniffs)	Aaaaaachoo! Certainly, commander.
Snuffly and Dippy go back to house.
SNUFFLY:	There you go, Dippy. Take your pick. Ho-ho-ho - Aaaachoo!
Dippy goes in and comes out with pick.
Dozy falls asleep and starts snoring.
SNIPPY:	Commander! Dozy's fallen asleep again.
CALLISTO:	Oh, for goodness sake! DOZY!
DOZY (waking up):	What? Where am I? Is it morning?
CALLISTO (sighs):	How on Mars am I supposed to find the Lost Thingy when you're the most incompetent bunch I've ever commanded?
Enter Squirrel, Vole and Shrew, who tiptoe across the back of the stage - Callisto sees them and gets distracted.
CALLISTO:	And finding the lost squirrel is the most important vole you'll ever have to shrew!
BASHER:	Sorry?
CALLISTO:	Wait a minute. Squirrel? Vole? SHREW? I'm seeing furry Earth creatures again! Felix - after those animals!
Felix chases off after animals followed by Commander Callisto. Both exit.
Enter Snow White, tiptoeing nervously. Snuffly sees her.
SNUFFLY (pointing at her):	A - a - aaaachoo!
The 7 Martians turn and look at Snow White in amazement.
MARTIANS AND SNOW WHITE:	Who are you?
SNOW WHITE:	I'm Snow White - union rep for the Small Furry Animals Association. But who are you?
7 MARTIANS (singing):	7 Martians marching in a line 7 Martians going down the mine 7 Martians will be there in time Everything is going to turn out fine!	Martian tune again. Martian tune ends
DOZY:	My name is Dozy and I sleep and snore I sleep all night and then I sleep some more	Martian rap rhythm starts.
DIPPY:	Well, my name is Dippy and I don't know much About reading and writing and sums and such
SNUFFLY:	I'm Snuffly by name because I sniff and sneeze I catch lots of colds in the Martian breeze
SNIPPY:	I'm Snippy 'cos I'm snappy and I'm quick to rage Don't wind me up or I'll go on the rampage
MERRY:	My name is Merry and I like a laugh And life on Mars is a joke and a half
BASHER:	They call me Basher 'cos that's my name Nice or nasty, I'll bash you just the same
TITCH:	Well, my name is Titch but I don't know why If I was any taller I would touch the sky	Martian rap ends.
7 MARTIANS (singing):	7 Martians marching in a line 7 Martians going down the mine 7 Martians will be there in time Everything is going to turn out fine!	Martian tune again. Martian tune ends.
SNIPPY:	What are you doing on Mars? You're an Earth person, aren't you?
SNOW WHITE:	Well, I'm supposed to be looking for the Lost Thingy of Whatshisname.
MERRY:	Oh good! So are we!
SNOW WHITE:	Oh, you're not working for the mad scientist, are you?
DIPPY:	The mad scientist? Who's he?
BASHER (pushes Dippy out of the way):	No. We're working for Commander Callisto, director of operations for the Multi-Planetary Mining Corporation. So there!
SNOW WHITE:	Well, as long as you're not working for the mad scientist, that's all right with me.
SNUFFLY:	What have you got a - a - aaachoo! against the mad scientist?
SNOW WHITE:	Where do you want me to start? First of all, he traps small furry animals. Second of all, he sends them here. Third of all, he sent me here.
The 7 Martians start laughing.
MERRY:	Commander Callisto thought he was going mad because he kept seeing small furry animals all over the place.
TITCH (scared): (hides behind Basher again)	The animals we get here aren't furry at all. They're slimy and spiky and they have big sharp teeth.
SNOW WHITE:	Oh, yes, I think I saw one earlier. It wasn't very nice.
TITCH:	Commander Callisto uses one to keep us under control. If I wasn't so scared of Felix, then I'd just quit this job.
SNOW WHITE:	Well, what you need is a trade union to make sure you get the working conditions you deserve. Maybe I can help you with that. It's just as well I came after all.
SNIPPY:	Oh, couldn't you just keep our house clean and cook our meals instead?
MERRY:	Yes, things aren't so bad the way they are.
SNOW WHITE (annoyed):	I didn't come here just to clean up after you! We're not in a Disney cartoon, you know. What I'm going to do is free you from that oppressive Commander Calypso.
SNUFFLY:	Ca - a - a - aaallisto.
DOZY: (yawns and goes back to sleep)	Oh, that sounds exciting.
CALLISTO (from offstage):	Hey, you workers!
TITCH:	Oh, no, he's coming back!
BASHER (to Snow White): (points towards house)	Quick, in here!
Snow White runs into house. Enter Commander Callisto and Felix.
CALLISTO:	Why haven't you gone to work yet?
DIPPY:	You didn't tell us to go to work.
CALLISTO:	Well, I'm telling you now!
Felix growls.
MERRY:	All right, all right, keep your helmet on.
DOZY (wakes up):	What's he telling us to do?
CALLISTO (shouts):	GO TO WORK! Felix!
Felix advances on 7 Martians and they all run offstage.
CALLISTO:	And if you haven't found the Lost Thingy by next Orionsday, you might find my patience is wearing thin and Felix's appetite is growing HUGE!
Exit Commander Callisto. Felix sniffs at door of Martians' house and then exits.
Enter Snow White.
SNOW WHITE:	What a nasty person. I hope the small furry animals are OK.
Exit Snow White.

End of Act 1 Scene 4!

Act One Scene Five

In the wicked stepmother's room at the castle

Mirror already on stage. Enter Belladonna and Mike the vulture.
BELLADONNA:	What do you think, Mike? With Snow White out of the way, am I the fairest of them all?
MIKE:	Well, let me see... Glossy plumage - yes. Bright little eyes - yes. Shiny beak - well, almost. Sharp claws - yes. Yes. You are most definitely the fairest person on earth.
BELLADONNA (with confidence):	I am the fairest of them all. Now I can lure fabulously wealthy princes to my side and have them eating out of my hand.
MIKE:	Ah, what a wonderful image, your ladyship!
BELLADONNA (getting carried away now):	They'll bring me ???!!!??? gifts of diamonds and silk to adorn my beauty.
MIRROR SPIRIT:	You haven't asked me yet!
BELLADONNA:	I don't care any more what you think.
MIRROR SPIRIT:	But don't you want to make your status as the fairest of them all official?
MIKE:	I'm not sure that's a good idea, your ladyship. I say we imprison this mirror in the deepest dungeon for daring to suggest that Snow White was fairer than you.
BELLADONNA: (singing, to mirror)	No, wait! This is only a formality of course, but I'll just make sure. Mirror, mirror, on the wall Who is the fairest -	Mirror music.
MIKE (interrupting):	- one on earth?	Music cut short.
BELLADONNA:	What did you do that for?
MIKE:	Well, it's hardly likely, your ladyship, that there's some mutation out there in the depths of space that can compete with you! Though not impossible...
BELLADONNA:	Oh all right, who is the fairest one on earth?
MIRROR SPIRIT (singing):	Well, here's my opinion for what it's worth You are the fairest one on earth You are the fairest one on earth!	Mirror music. End of music.
BELLADONNA (dissatisfied):	But I don't want to be the fairest one on earth. I want to be the fairest in the universe!
MIKE:	Your ladyship - !
BELLADONNA: (sings to mirror)	Quiet! Mirror, mirror, on the wall Who is the fairest of them all?	Mirror music.
MIRROR SPIRIT (singing):	You're going to be sorry you asked me that Snow White's the fairest, you silly old bat Snow White's the fairest, you silly old bat!	End of song.
BELLADONNA (shouting):	Snow White's the fairest? What's that supposed to mean? I thought I'd given orders to get rid of Snow White!
MIKE:	I think the mad scientist may have found your orders slightly ambiguous, your ladyship.
BELLADONNA (shouting):	Ambiguous??! What part of "get rid of her" didn't he understand? Oh, never mind! Get him here right now!
MIKE:	What, now?
BELLADONNA:	Yes, now! I want you to get him here by airmail.
MIKE:	Can I drop him in the swamp on the way?
BELLADONNA:	No, I want to see what he has to say for himself.
Exit Mike. Belladonna paces up and down.
BELLADONNA (to mirror): (picks up goblet)	And as for you... That's the last time you'll call me a silly old bat.
She throws the goblet at the mirror. The goblet bounces back, the mirror is unharmed.		Weird sound effect.
MIRROR SPIRIT:	Silly old bat!
Belladonna picks up a chair ready to hurl at mirror, but at that point Mike comes in, dragging mad scientist.
MAD SCIENITST:	Stop! Whatever you throw at the mirror, it will throw back at you!
She puts down the chair and advances towards the mad scientist threateningly.
BELLADONNA:	I thought I told you to get rid of Snow White! And now I find she's still alive! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't have you flung into my deepest dungeon and throw the key into the swamp!
MAD SCIENTIST:	Because that wouldn't be very nice.
BELLADONNA:	That isn't a good enough reason for me.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Well, because I know where Snow White is.
BELLADONNA:	Where is she then?
MAD SCIENTIST:	I've sent her to Mars.
BELLADONNA:	Sent her to Mars?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Yes, Mars, that big red thing you have to go through space to get to.
BELLADONNA:	Can you get me there?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Of course I can, but why do you want to go there?
BELLADONNA:	Well, obviously I'll have to get rid of Snow White myself, since I can't trust anyone else to do it.
MIKE:	Your ladyship, this sounds like a very bad idea to me. If people were meant to fly, they'd have wings.
BELLADONNA (gets Mars bar out of pocket):	I'll use this poisoned Mars bar to get rid of her once and for all.
MIKE:	Where did you get that from?
BELLADONNA: (to scientist)	I've been saving it for a rainy day. Now, if you value your existence, you'll get a spaceship ready for me within the hour.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Your ladyship, these things take hours, sometimes even days, to make.
BELLADONNA:	Within the hour, or you go straight in the dungeon!
Mad scientist pauses for a minute and then rushes off.
BELLADONNA (calling after him):	And make sure there's room for two!
MIKE (suspiciously):	Which two would that be, your ladyship?
BELLADONNA:	You and I, of course, Mike. Space travel should come naturally to you, after all.
MIKE:	About as naturally as writing witty and sensitive poetry, your ladyship. I'd better go and pack my space suit.
Exit Mike.
BELLADONNA:	There'll be no hiding place for Snow White in the red wastes of Mars. Operation Poisoned Mars Bar is go!
Exit Belladonna.

End of Act One!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Act Two Prologue

In the wicked stepmother's room at the castle

MIRROR SPIRIT:	Previously in 'Snow White and the Seven Martians'...
Enter Belladonna and Mike.		Mirror tune in background.
BELLADONNA:	Get me some Essence of Angels, Mike. I don't care what you have to do. Just get it for me.
MIKE:	I might have to kill some small furry animals.
BELLADONNA:	Whatever.
Belladonna kicks Mike off stage. Exit Mike.
BELLADONNA: (exits)	I will be the fairest of them all! I must be the fairest. It was meant to be!
Enter Snow White and assistant.		Round the Next Corner in background.
SNOW WHITE:	Why would anyone want to trap small furry animals?
ASSISTANT:	Oh, we're going to send them to Mars in little space ships. But it won't do them any harm. The mad scientist says so.
SNOW WHITE:	Well, if you believe that you'll believe anything. It's a very dangerous thing to do with small furry animals, and I'm not going to stand for it.
Enter small furry animals with placards. They march round stage.
SNOW WHITE:	What do we want?
ANIMALS:	To be left alone!
SNOW WHITE:	When do we want it?
ANIMALS:	Now!
Exit small furry animals. Enter mad scientist.		Lost Thingy tune in background.
MAD SCIENTIST:	The Lost Thingy. An ancient item of incredible power. Buried deep beneath the surface of Mars.
ASSISTANT:	Is that why you're sending these small furry animals there?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Yes. They can tunnel their way down through the Martian soil and bring the Lost Thingy back to me.
Exit Snow White, assistant and mad scientist.
Enter Belladonna.		Mirror tune in background.
BELLADONNA:	SNOW WHITE?! What do you mean Snow White's fairer?
MIRROR SPIRIT:	Well, Snow White's the only one fairer than you So getting rid of her is the thing to do.
Exit Belladonna.
Enter assistant and mad scientist.
ASSISTANT:	What have you done? Where is she?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Where is who? ... Oh, that Snow White girl. She was here a minute ago.
ASSISTANT:	You've sent her into space, haven't you?
Exit assistant and mad scientist.
Enter Snow White and 7 Martians.		7 Martians tune in background.
SNIPPY:	What are you doing on Mars? You're an earth person, aren't you?
SNOW WHITE:	Well, I'm supposed to be looking for the Lost Thingy of Whatshisname.
MERRY:	Oh, good. So are we.
SNOW WHITE:	What I'm going to do is free you from that oppressive Commander Calypso.
SNUFFLY:	Ca-a-a-allisto!
Exit Snow White & Martians.
Enter Belladonna and mad scientist.		Mirror tune in background.
BELLADONNA:	I thought I told you to get rid of Snow White! And now I find she's still alive! Where is she, then?
MAD SCIENTIST:	I've sent her to Mars.
BELLADONNA:	I'll use this poisoned Mars bar to get rid of her once and for all... There'll be no hiding place for Snow White in the red wastes of Mars. Operation Poisoned Mars Bar is go!
Exit Belladonna.

End of Act Two Prologue!

Act Two Scene One

On the surface of Mars with Martian house at side

Enter Snow White and the 7 Martians.		Martian music in background.
SNOW WHITE:	OK, does everyone remember what to do?
7 MARTIANS:	Yes!
SNOW WHITE:	Well, let's run through it from the top just to make sure.
ALL:	What do we want?
DOZY:	A good night's sleep!
ALL:	When do we want it?
DOZY (asleep):	(Snore....)
ALL:	What do we want?
DIPPY:	I can't remember!
ALL:	When do we want it?
DIPPY:	I don't know!
ALL:	What do we want?
SNUFFLY:	A-a-a-choo!
ALL:	When do we want it?
SNUFFLY (coughing):	Now!
ALL:	What do we want?
SNIPPY:	None of your business!
ALL:	When do we want it?
SNIPPY:	Get lost!
ALL:	What do we want?
MERRY:	A great big laugh!
ALL:	When do we want it?
MERRY:	A- ha ha ha ha!
ALL:	What do we want?
BASHER:	A punch on the nose!
ALL:	When do we want it?
BASHER:	The sooner the better.
ALL:	What do we want?
TITCH:	Somewhere to hide.
ALL:	When do we want it?
TITCH (hiding behind Snow White):	Now!
ALL:	What do we want?
SNOW WHITE:	To get back to earth!
ALL:	When do we want it?
SNOW WHITE:	As soon as I've sorted out everything here. ... Well, that was very good, but I think it would be simpler if you all asked for the same thing. How about 'less work, more pay'?
MERRY:	Sounds good to me. Ha ha ha...
TITCH:	But won't Commander Callisto be cross with us?
BASHER:	We'll just bash him if he is.
SNIPPY:	Oh, yeah, that'll be easy.
Enter bat, who 'flies' around squeaking.
SNOW WHITE (to Martians):	That's Commander Callisto on his way. Now, don't forget what you've got to do.
Exit Snow White to house, and bat.
Enter Callisto and Felix.
CALLISTO:	Well, Martians! You're late again, and I still haven't seen any sign of the Lost Thingy. What do you have to say for yourselves?
BASHER (goes right up to Callisto):	Well, what we've got to say is...
Felix growls.
ALL (marching up & down):	What do we want? Less work, more pay! When do we want it? Quite soon! What do we want? Less work, more pay! When do we want it? Quite soon! What do we want? Less work, more pay! When do we want it? Some time in the foreseeable future!
Felix growls again.
CALLISTO:	Less work? It would be impossible for you to do less work! I've seen strands of SPAGHETTI on my pasta farm that do more work than you!!!
DIPPY:	Mmm... Spaghetti.
7 MARTIANS:	More pay! More pay! More pay!
CALLISTO:	More pay? You don't get any pay and neither do I! How much funding do you think they gave me when I was sent here as a punishment after the devastating doughnut disaster of Deimos? I applied for a lottery grant but they didn't give me one! Is that fair? And then you strut about, casually demanding more pay! You're lucky I don't deport you all to the nutmeg mines of Neptune!
Felix growls.
CALLISTO:	Felix! Take them down the mines and keep them there.
Felix chases 7 Martians off stage - they all exit.
CALLISTO:	I need to go and put my feet up. This job bossing Martians around can be so draining.
Callisto turns to go off but the way is blocked by small furry animals. They advance on to the stage and surround him.
ANIMALS (walking round Callisto):	A mouse, a bat, A squirrel and a rat A shrew, a vole A rabbit and a mole We are the small furry animals and we've come to torment you We haunt all your dreams and your waking moments too.	Spooky music for chant.
CALLISTO (speaks through animals still chanting): (closes eyes) (opens eyes)	They're all in my mind. I just have to close my eyes and count to three and they'll all go away. One - two - three... Why haven't they gone? Aaargh! I've been doing this job for too long!
Exit Callisto.		Music stops.
Animals laugh, high five etc. Exit small furry animals.
Enter Belladonna and Mike.		Mirror music?
BELLADONNA:	So we're on Mars... I hope this dry climate won't affect my skin.
MIKE:	I always like a nice desert landscape. It makes me feel quite at home. The only things missing are the small furry animals.
BELLADONNA:	And Snow White. Where is she then?
MIKE:	Do you want me to circle the area in case a dreadful fate has befallen her?
BELLADONNA:	No, let's try asking at this house.
Belladonna knocks at door of Martian's house. Snow White opens the door & comes out.
SNOW WHITE:	You! Just when I was thinking the only good thing about Mars was that I was thousands of miles away from you, here you are on the doorstep! How did you get here?
BELLADONNA:	I've come to ask your forgiveness, Snow White dear. I've been thinking and I've suddenly realised it was wrong of me to ask the mad scientist to get rid of you just because you are the fairest of them all.
MIKE (aside):	Yeah, she should have done it herself.
BELLADONNA:	Snow White, I'm truly sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
SNOW WHITE:	Yes, you can free the seven Martians from their cruel taskmaster Commander Callisto, liberate all the small furry animals in the universe and you can get me home.
BELLADONNA (laughs lightly):	Oh, I can't possibly manage any of those things. I'm only the second fairest person in the universe, after all.
Mike laughs. Belladonna stares at him and he turns his laugh into a cough.
BELLADONNA:	But I have brought you a small present to make amends. Mike, the poisoned Mars bar - er - I mean, not poisoned Mars bar. Definitely not poisoned.
SNOW WHITE:	Well, that's reassuring.
Mike gives Mars bar to Belladonna & Belladonna gives it to Snow White.
Snow White throws Mars bar across stage.
SNOW WHITE:	I don't want it! I don't want anything from you! Just go away and leave me alone!
BELLADONNA:	Well, that's not very nice! I don't know why I bother.
Snow White goes into house and slams the door.
Pause.
MIKE:	Your ladyship, how were you planning to get us off Mars again?
BELLADONNA:	Don't bother me with that just now! We have other things to think about.
MIKE:	The Mars bar?
BELLADONNA:	No, Snow White will eat it, all in good time, when she gets so desperately homesick that the only thing that can remind her of earth is the chewy chocolate delight of a Mars bar...
Exit Belladonna and Mike.
Snow White peers out to see if they've gone, then comes out of house. She sings 'Round the Next Corner (act two version)', then she picks up the Mars bar.		Round the Next Corner.
SNOW WHITE:	Mmm, a Mars bar. It reminds me so much of earth for some reason.
She eats the Mars bar and then falls over.
Enter Callisto.
CALLISTO: (looks at Snow White) (leans over her) (looks round fearfully)	What's happened here? An earth girl! Dead? On Mars! What can it mean? Did those small furry animals do this to you?... Will I be next?
Enter Merry, who runs over to Snow White.
MERRY:	Oh, my goodness. Snow White!
CALLISTO:	I just found her like this. It's mysterious, isn't it?
Merry leans down.
MERRY:	She's still breathing! She's in a deep sleep.
Enter bat, squirrel, shrew and vole. They cluster round Snow White. Callisto backs away.
MERRY (to animals):	Look after Snow White for us until she wakes up!
Animals all squeak.
CALLISTO (to Merry):	How dare you leave your work?! Do you really want me to get Felix to nibble your toes off?
MERRY:	I just came to tell you that scanners indicate we're extremely close to the Lost Thingy.
CALLISTO:	Well, get back to work then, and find it as quickly as you can!
MERRY:	Yes, Commander.
Exit Merry.
CALLISTO (to small furry animals):	I'll be monitoring your movements carefully from now on.
Exit Callisto.
Small furry animals gather round Snow White and squeak. Curtain.

End of Act Two Scene One!

Act Two Scene Two

In the forest

Assistant and small furry animals protesting, Mad Scientist pacing up and down in annoyance in front of space ship.
SMALL FURRY ANIMALS:	One, three, seven, ten We want the forest back again!
ASSISTANT (shouts):	Small furry animals of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your tails!
Small furry animals cheer.
ANIMALS (singing):	Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree How evergreen your branches...
MAD SCIENTIST:	Oh, that sounds really threatening. I'm so scared...
Small furry animals run towards him and he backs away
ASSISTANT (loudly):	You might well be scared! You've been doing bad things for such a long time and now they're catching up with you! Snow White was right! You can't treat small furry animals like this! They may be small and furry, but sending them to Mars is still wrong.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Wrong? Of course it is! But don't you see, it doesn't matter, there are plenty more where they came from. Like I said, there's an endless supply of small furry animals. It would be a shame not to use them.
Small furry animals chatter and squeak.
ASSISTANT:	I don't think they agree with you.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Who cares? They can't do anything about it - and neither can you!
ASSISTANT:	There are more of us than there are of you!
MAD SCIENTIST:	That makes it all the easier to CATCH one of you and send them to Mars!
Chase sequence - see other sheet. Ends with Mad Scientist being surrounded.		Chase music
ASSISTANT:	Now it's your turn to go to Mars! Put him in the space ship, my little furry friends!
Animals start to push Mad Scientist into space ship.
MAD SCIENTIST:	You can't do this! I'm a B. Eng. from Heriot-Watt University!
Animals push him into space ship and slam door.
MAD SCIENTIST (from within):	I've got a bronze Aqua-Skills certificate! And I'm reasonably good at needlework!
ASSISTANT: (presses button and talks to small furry animals)	All these skills should come in useful on Mars. This way.
They push the space ship off stage. It takes off.		Booming noise and flash of light
MAD SCIENTIST (from within):	No-oo-oo-oo!
Small furry animals chatter, squeak etc.
ASSISTANT:	Yes, I think we should have a party as well. We have the forest to ourselves. We're on our own...
Exit small furry animals.
Assistant looks sad suddenly.
ASSISTANT: (sighs)	On our own...
Assistant sings Round The Next Corner (act one version), then exits.

End of Act Two Scene Two!

Act Two Scene Three

In the mines of Mars

7 Martians are working away with their picks. There's a wheelbarrow with red rocks in it. Merry pushes it over to another pile of red rocks.
7 MARTIANS (singing):	Seven Martians working down the mine Seven Martians in a steep decline When it's time to go on home to dine Everything is going to turn out fine.	7 Martians music
Enter Callisto, with his 2 space troopers Phobos and Mobos.
CALLISTO (looking about uneasily):	Don't sing so loudly in here! You'll bring the roof down!
MERRY:	But we're only singing because we're happy.
SNIPPY:	Oh, no, we're not.
DIPPY:	Why are we singing then?
SNUFFLY:	I haven't a-a-a-a-CLUE!
CALLISTO:	Do you have to sneeze so loudly?
Dozy has fallen asleep - he now snores loudly.
CALLISTO:	STOP THAT SNORING!
A rock falls on Callisto's head. He loses his balance. Phobos and Mobos rush to help him up.
CALLISTO (to Phobos and Mobos):	You see what I'm up against here? This is why I had to send for you. Everyone's working against me here, even the small furry animals.
PHOBOS:	I see, sir.
MOBOS:	I don't see, sir.
Phobos and Mobos stare at each other, taken aback.
CALLISTO (to Martians):	These are my trusted space troopers Phobos and Mobos. They'll be watching you very closely to make sure you don't try any funny business. Isn't that right, Mobos and Phobos?
PHOBOS:	No, sir.
MOBOS:	Yes, sir.
SNIPPY:	What's the matter with them? Do they always say the opposite of each other?
CALLISTO:	There's nothing the matter with them. They're the finest space troopers this side of Neptune. Now get on with your work.
BASHER:	What direction should we dig in next?
MOBOS (points to right):	I would say, they should dig that way, sir.
PHOBOS (points to left):	Definitely that way, sir.
CALLISTO:	Just keep digging down, for goodness sake!
Martians start working again. Callisto, Phobos and Mobos talk together at front of stage.
CALLISTO: (Phobos and Mobos catch each other's eye and Phobos makes 'batty' signal and Mobos shrugs his shoulders)	The real reason I sent for you is that strange, unpredictable things are happening on this planet. First there were the small furry animals... ... then an Earth girl appeared, but she was in a deep sleep. The small furry animals are nursing her back to health. I can't understand it. It's as if someone is sending Earth creatures to Mars just to confuse me.
PHOBOS (nodding):	I agree, sir.
MOBOS (shaking his head):	I don't think so, sir.
CALLISTO:	You don't think I'm going mad, do you?
PHOBOS:	Of course not, sir.
Mobos looks doubtful. Phobos looks at him expectantly. Pause.
MOBOS:	Nah!
PHOBOS:	I think what's happening, sir, is that someone else is trying to get their hands on the Lost Thingy before you do, and whoever it is, is sending all these small furry animals just to put you off the scent.
MOBOS:	With all due respect, Phobos, that idea is a load of codswallop.
PHOBOS:	With all due respect, Mobos - shut up!
CALLISTO: (turns round to Martians) (Martians cheer)	The Lost Thingy! Yes, of course! That's it!... We'll have to work twice as hard now to make sure we find it first. Listen to me, you Martians! I've got good news and - er - other news. First, you can go home and have your dinner an hour early! Now the other news. You've all got to come back here in 2 hours' time and work a night shift.
Martians groan.
CALLISTO (grumpily):	I don't know what you're groaning about. That's what you asked for, isn't it?
TITCH:	Asked for? When?
CALLISTO:	Remember? What do we want? More work, less pay! When do we want it? Some time in the foreseeable future!
MERRY (shakes head):	That doesn't sound right to me.
DIPPY:	Sounds right to me. What do we want? More work, less pay! When do we want it?
7 MARTIANS (except DIPPY):	Never!
CALLISTO:	You're wasting precious eating time with all this arguing. And don't you want to go and check on your little Earth friend?
MERRY:	Come on then! Maybe Snow White's awake now. She'll know what to do.
Exit all Martians except Dippy, who's still working.
CALLISTO: (to space troopers)	Ah, good, I see you're finally taking an interest in your job, Dippy. Where do you want to go to chill out?
PHOBOS:	Let's go to the Mars Bar!
MOBOS:	Aren't there any other Space Bars?
CALLISTO:	Well, I think there's one on my computer keyboard.
PHOBOS:	Ha ha ha!
MOBOS:	Ho ho ho!
Exit Callisto, Phobos and Mobos.
Dippy is still working at rock face. Enter Snuffly.
SNUFFLY:	Come on, Dippy, you'll miss your - - aachoo! dinner.
DIPPY:	In a minute.
Exit Snuffly. Dippy still working. A shiny gold thing (the Lost Thingy) falls out of the rock face. Dippy picks it up, peers at it, shrugs his shoulders, drops it and exits.		Mine music
Enter Mike the vulture.
MIKE (looking round): (shudders) (catches sight of Lost Thingy and gives a start) (picks up Lost Thingy) (sighs and exits)	Hmm, that's odd. No sign of a small furry animals' nest down this burrow. In fact, no sign of life at all - though I thought I heard voices echoing through the endless dark tunnels. I must get out in the open air again. What's that thingy? It's very shiny - it reminds me of old Granny Magpie's secret horde. I like this. I'll take it home as a souvenir - if I ever get home.
Enter Belladonna.
BELLADONNA: (twirls round in centre of stage)	Mike! Where are you, you useless heap of feathers? I have to tell you - Snow White's eaten the Mars Bar. And you know what that means, don't you? I am the fairest of them all! Now and forever - as long as water runs and the Earth spins! Wa ha ha ha ha ha!
A shower of rocks falls on her head. She brushes them angrily off and exits stormily.

End of Act Two Scene Three! (Yeeha!)

Act Two Scene Four

On the surface of Mars

Snow White lying still, surrounded by small furry animals. Enter mad scientist in a daze from crash landing.
MAD SCIENTIST (to animals):	Hey! You!
Small furry animals turn round and squeak in horror.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Yes, you with the fur on! Have you found the Lost Thingy yet?
Small furry animals look at each other and squeak. Mad scientist goes towards them.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Have you? Are you sure you aren't just hiding it from me?
Animals squeak and mad scientist goes 'Rarrgh!' and chases them off - but he stays on stage. He sees Snow White and gives a start.
MAD SCIENTIST: (shouts in Snow White's ear) (stops shouting)	It's you! Wake up and get on with searching for the Lost Thingy. This is no time to be lying around. Hello! Anybody home? Mm, that's strange. She seems to be in a catatonic state. She won't be much use until she wakes up. I'll get more sense out of the small furry animals.
Exit mad scientist.
Enter Mike and Belladonna from opposite sides of stage - they suddenly see each other and jump. Mike hides the Lost Thingy behind his back.
BELLADONNA:	What's that you've got there?
MIKE:	What, your ladyship?
BELLADONNA:	That shiny thing you're hiding behind your back. What is it?
Mike shows her one hand and then the other.
MIKE:	Shiny thing, your ladyship? What do you think I am - a magpie? I wouldn't just pick up any old shiny thing I found lying around - oh no, that's not a vulture thing at all.
BELLADONNA:	Well, I distinctly saw a shiny thing.
MIKE:	Maybe you should go and lie down, your ladyship. Seeing shiny things is a sure sign of being overstressed.
Belladonna goes up to Mike and after a bit of turning round she sees the Lost Thingy.
BELLADONNA:	Give it here! I want it!
Mike takes Lost Thingy out and looks at it in amazement.
MIKE:	Oh, this!
BELLADONNA:	Yes, that! Give me it! It would make a fine necklace.
She snatches the Lost Thingy. Mike sulks. Belladonna turns it over.
BELLADONNA:	Where did you find this?
MIKE (mumbling):	Down that small furry animal burrow.
BELLADONNA:	It's very naughty of you to chase those small furry animals everywhere we go. Don't do it again!
Exit Belladonna.
Enter Callisto, looks at Mike, shrugs shoulders.
CALLISTO:	Welcome, Earth creature! You'll feel quite at home here, with all the other Earth creatures that have been turning up recently.
MIKE:	Thank you.
CALLISTO:	What brings you to this fine planet, then? Did you fancy a change of scenery? Or did you hear it was 'Let's All Annoy Commander Callisto Week'?
MIKE (bewildered):	Er - no. I'm hunting small furry animals.
CALLISTO (laughs hollowly):	You'll find an endless supply of those around here... Let me introduce you to my loyal space troopers. Phobos! Mobos!
Enter Phobos, Mobos and Felix. Phobos and Mobos salute.
CALLISTO: (Felix growls a bit)	These are my trusted assistants Phobos and Mobos. Oh, and of course Felix, my loyal space monster. He's very tame. And this is - who are you, anyway?
MIKE (bows):	Mike the vulture, at your service.
PHOBOS:	If we ever need the services of a vulture, we'll let you know.
MOBOS:	No, we won't.
Enter mad scientist.
CALLISTO:	Aaargh! Another Earth creature! Come in and join the party.
Mad scientist and Mike look at each other and shake their heads.
MAD SCIENTIST:	Excuse me, I don't think I know you, do I?
MIKE:	Oh, I forgot my manners. This is Commander Calypso. Commander, this is the man responsible for all the small furry goings-on in these parts of late.
Callisto leaps forward and tries to attack the mad scientist but Phobos and Mobos restrain him. Felix growls at the mad scientist.
CALLISTO (calming down): (points to Snow White)	That's all very well, but what's your explanation of her?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Oh, that's Snow White. I sent her up here to find the Lost Thingy. What's happened to her?
CALLISTO:	The Lost Thingy? What do you know of the Lost Thingy?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Well, I'm trying to find it. Is that all right with you? Anyway, what do you know of it?
CALLISTO:	The Lost Thingy of Whatshisname?
MIKE:	The Lost Thingy of Whatshisname?
MAD SCIENTIST:	The Lost Thingy of Whatshisname?
Song: "The Lost Thingy of Whatshisname" - Callisto sings first verse, mad scientist sings second and Mike sings third. Everyone on stage sings chorus.		Lost Thingy music
CALLISTO (to Mike):	You've found the Lost Thingy of Whatshisname? Why didn't you say so in the first place?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Listen, Mike, this is very important. You have to give the Lost Thingy to me!
CALLISTO:	No! I'm the one who's been working for years to find it.
MAD SCIENTIST:	So have I. I started my quest for the Lost Thingy decades ago.
CALLISTO:	Well, I started mine CENTURIES ago.
MAD SCIENTIST: (stamps foot)	Well, I started mine MILLENIA ago, so there.
CALLISTO: (stamps foot)	I started mine when dinosaurs were still roaming Jupiter.
Callisto and mad scientist glare at each other.
MIKE:	Forget it, I won't let either of you use it for your evil purposes... If anyone uses it for evil purposes it should be me!
Enter Belladonna, wearing Lost Thingy as a necklace. They all stare at her.
BELLADONNA:	You know what I wish, Mike?
CALLISTO & MAD SCIENTIST:	No-oo-oo-oo!
BELLADONNA (ignoring them):	I wish I had gold ear-rings to go with this necklace.
Callisto and mad scientist sigh with relief.
Enter Compere with big gold ear-rings on velvet cushion. Presents cushion to Belladonna and she snatches the ear-rings rudely and puts them on. Exit Compere with a sniff. All stare after him in awe for a moment.		Grand music
MIKE:	Well, your ladyship, as lovely as it is here, don't you think we should be getting home?
MAD SCIENTIST:	Wait just a minute!... That is a very interesting necklace, your ladyship. Can I have a closer look?
Belladonna takes off necklace and holds it out.
CALLISTO: (all look at him)	No! That necklace is mine. Oh, what I mean is, this necklace belonged to an ancient Martian civilisation of which my ancestors were once part. It belongs here, on Mars.
BELLADONNA:	Well, I found it. Finders keepers.
MIKE:	Yeah right.
CALLISTO:	I'll pay you for it.
MAD SCIENTIST: (all look at him)	No! What I mean is - hey, look over there!
He snatches the necklace and runs off into the audience.		Chase music goes on through chase scene.
CALLISTO (to Phobos & Mobos):	After him!
Phobos and Mobos run off into audience.
BELLADONNA:	After him, Mike!
Mike runs off into audience.
PHOBOS (on one side of hall):	Over here, Mobos!
MOBOS (on other side of hall):	No, over here, Phobos!
Mike runs at mad scientist, who swings the Lost Thingy and hits him on head. He staggers a bit. Meanwhile, Phobos and Mobos creep up and grab mad scientist and take him back on stage. Felix stands over him. Mike follows at his own speed.
PHOBOS:	We've got him!
MOBOS:	No, we haven't!
CALLISTO:	Take the Lost Thingy from him.
They start to reach for the Lost Thingy but a small furry animal runs on from back left, snatches Lost Thingy and runs off back right.
BELLADONNA:	Mike! Chase that small furry animal!
MIKE:	My pleasure, your ladyship.
Exit Mike, back right, followed by mad scientist, Phobos, Mobos, Felix, Callisto and Belladonna. Enter small furry animal followed by Mike through left side door. They run along in front of stage. Mike corners the animal and grabs the Lost Thingy. Enter Callisto, Phobos, Mobos, Felix, Belladonna and mad scientist from left side door. Mike starts to run up on stage, but enter the 7 Martians singing their song. They block Mike's way and he drops the Lost Thingy. Dippy picks it up.		7 Martians music
DIPPY:	Wbere have I seen this before?... Do you know what I wish?
Mike stands back.
CALLISTO, PHOBOS, MOBOS & MAD SCIENTIST:	No-oo-oo-oo!
DIPPY:	I wish I could remember things better... Oh, now I remember. This is the thingy I found down the mine!
TITCH:	The thingy?
BASHER:	Mine?
MARTIANS (except DIPPY):	It's the Lost Thingy!	Quick burst of Lost Thingy music
MERRY:	Well, it looks like it's the Found Thingy now.
CALLISTO (steps up on stage):	Well done, Martians! If you'll just give me the Lost Thingy, then I think we can wrap everything up very nicely.
DIPPY: (looks at Callisto, then at other Martians) (pause)	Er - No. I'm not giving it to you. I think Snow White would like it.
Dippy goes over to Snow White. Callisto tries to follow but the small furry animals turn and glare at him and he steps back.
DIPPY (puts the Lost Thingy on Snow White and steps back):	There you are, Snow White.
Snow White sits up then stands up, holding the Lost Thingy. Martians and small furry animals cheer.
SNOW WHITE:	What are you all cheering about? I was only eating a Mars bar. Hey, what's going on? What am I doing with this hideous necklace?
ALL:	It's the Lost Thingy of Whatshisname!	Quick burst of Lost Thingy music
SNOW WHITE:	The Lost Thingy! So that's what all the fuss was about!
CALLISTO (walks towards S.W.):	Give me that, right now!
SNOW WHITE:	Get lost, Callisto!
CALLISTO (turning round and round): (exits in confusion)	Where am I? How did I get here?
MAD SCIENTIST (walks up on stage and towards S.W.):	Just give it to me, Snow White. You know me, don't you?
SNOW WHITE:	Buzz off, you stupid scientist!
MAD SCIENTIST (flapping arms): (exits, buzzing)	BZZZ! BZZZ!
SNOW WHITE (looks at Lost Thingy):	Mmm. This is good.
Phobos and Mobos look at her in terror. Exit Phobos, shouting 'Aaah' and exit Mobos shouting 'Eeek'.
BELLADONNA:	Now, Snow White, dear, that wasn't a very nice thing to do, was it?
SNOW WHITE:	Well, it wasn't very nice of the mad scientist to send small furry animals to Mars. And it wasn't very nice of Commander Callisto to send the Martians down the mines day in, day out to look for the Lost Thingy.
Martians and animals cheer again.
BELLADONNA: (gestures to Mike to try and get the Lost Thingy from Snow White)	I hope you're not planning to do anything like that to me, your beloved stepmother?
Mike creeps up on Snow White. She spins round and sees him.
SNOW WHITE:	Get knotted!
Enter small furry animals with rope which they wind round Mike.
MIKE:	Aaagh! You can't do this. Vultures were meant to be free, soaring above the clouds majestically -
SNOW WHITE:	Shut up!
Mike mumbles incoherently then the small furry animals lead him offstage. Belladonna approaches Snow White.
BELLADONNA:	Snow White, dear, be fair! You know, don't you, that you're the fairest of them all. I'm only the second fairest. I think you should hand that over to me - whatever it is.
ALL:	It's the Lost Thingy of Whatshisname!	Quick burst of Lost Thingy music
BELLADONNA (losing her temper): (picks up handful of dust)	I don't care what it is, I want it, and I want it NOW! And if you don't give me it, I'll - I'll... throw this Martian sand right in your face!
SNOW WHITE:	There's no need to get ugly.
Everyone watches Belladonna as she puts her hands to her face, stumbles offstage and back on with the ugly mask on. They all gasp and stand back in horror.
SNOW WHITE:	There! Now, once again you have the looks to match your personality.
BELLADONNA:	I can't go back to Earth like this! Everyone would laugh at me!
SNOW WHITE:	All right, just stay here with the rest of your friends.
BELLADONNA:	You haven't seen the last of me, Snow White. Mark my words. I'll be back.
Exit Belladonna.
SNOW WHITE:	Well, who wants to come back to Earth with me?
MERRY:	Ooh, Earth! I've always wanted to go there! I hear it's lovely in Edinburgh at this time of year.
SNOW WHITE:	I think you may have been misinformed... Come on, gather round. I'm sure the power of the Lost Thingy will get us there.
Martians, small furry animals and Snow White huddle together centre stage.
Curtains close.		FLASH! Spaceship noises or something.
Enter at side left, Callisto, Phobos, Mobos, Mike, mad scientist and Belladonna. They run about in character (e.g. mad scientist buzzing) in front of curtain for a while, then exit side right.

End of Act One Scene Four (finally)!

Act Two Scene Five

In the forest

Assistant and small furry animals on stage having a party.		Party music - (Hokey Cokey???)
Enter Snow White, Martians, rest of furry animals and Felix, suddenly. Assistant and small furry animals all jump back in surprise. Animals go into a huddle and start squeaking. Felix creeps up behind assistant.		Whooshing sound and flash of light
SNOW WHITE (to Martians):	Here we are then. Make yourselves at home.
ASSISTANT (seeing Snow White): (turns to run away - meets Felix) (looks round for an escape route)	Aaagh! Aaagh!
SNOW WHITE:	Felix! What are you doing here? Come away from those small furry animals.
Felix goes and stands at Snow White's heel like a dog.
SNOW WHITE:	That's a good boy! You know, I think I might be able to train Felix.
ASSISTANT: (points to Martians)	What IS it? And what are those?
SNOW WHITE:	These are my friends, the 7 Martians. I'm not sure what Felix is.
ASSISTANT: (points to Lost Thingy)	Well, never mind him. What's THAT?
SNOW WHITE:	It's the Lost Thingy of Whatshisname.
ASSISTANT:	The Lost Thingy! It really exists, then?
SNOW WHITE: (gives Lost Thingy to assistant and turns to Martians)	Yes, it certainly does... Here, hold on to it for a minute while I get the Martians organised.
While Snow White and Martians are talking, enter compere slowly and ceremonially. He has a crown on a red cushion which he puts on the assistant's head and exits.
SNOW WHITE:	You'll need somewhere to stay now you're here on Earth. I know it won't be as cosy as your little house on Mars, but there's a big draughty old castle on the edge of the forest...
BASHER:	Well, does anyone live there?
SNOW WHITE:	Only a very impolite talking mirror. But you don't need to take any notice of that.
SNEEZY:	I hope the draughts won't make me - aachoo - sneeze!
DOZY:	As long as there's room to sleep, that's OK with me.
DIPPY:	Does the prince live there?
SNOW WHITE:	Prince? What prince?
Martians look at assistant. Snow White slowly turns to look.
SNOW WHITE (to assistant):	What's different about you?
ASSISTANT (bewildered):	Well, it seems that I'm actually a classic handsome prince. Prince Hypericum.
SNOW WHITE:	How did that happen?
ASSISTANT:	I can't quite understand it myself, but the Lost Thingy is certainly very powerful.
SNOW WHITE (goes close to assistant and looks into his eyes):	Mm, it certainly is!
ASSISTANT:	Will you marry me, Snow White?
SNOW WHITE:	Well, I'd like to, but I've got such a lot of responsibilities, what with the small furry animals, and the Martians, and now Felix...
ASSISTANT:	I'll help you to look after all of them. And together we can face whatever may be round the next corner!
Cue song. Enter ALL. Yep, all. That's right. *ALL!*		Intro music.
ALL sing Round the Next Corner - Act 1 version.		RTNC

THE END...

After that, the curtain call, and song medley:

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Essence of Angels

7 Martians (including rap)

The Lost Thingy of Whatshisname

Oh, Christmas Tree